Gratitude Day 39

In all appreciation and acknowledgement for the many, many blessings in my life, I must say that I am grateful to be reaching the end of 2012, which has been full of growth and wonderful things and quite challenging and painful.  It definitely has a feel of "Whew!  I made it! I survived this year. So...uh, now what?"

I am always grateful for these monthly Powerpath posts that seem to be spot on for what I am experiencing, grateful for the confirmation and words for things I often can't explain myself.  Grateful for new things to come.  Grateful for the ways my heart is opening, ways that I never could have foreseen before this year.

Grateful for being able to mother and learn from these two amazing girls.  Grateful for the many inspiring people I encounter in life - many of which keep up and carry on with strength and grace through much harder struggles that I have ever had to face.  Grateful for community and support that comes in countless forms.  Grateful for each moment of seeing beauty and wonder in the world - in the clouds and in the trees and in the children and in smiles of strangers.

Life is beautiful and intense and crazy.  And I am grateful - really very grateful - to experience it and see where it takes us all next.

Love and blessings and happy new year wishes!

Gratitude Days 36, 37, & 38

These past three days have been so similar that they are almost like one long day.  Suky is still fighting a cold so we've been home a lot.  Grateful for warmth, rest, the ability to stay home.  Grateful that our dealing with sickness is only as bad as a little cold, when I know people whose families are dealing with so much more.  Grateful for practices that bring me peace in the midst of a world that is sometimes overwhelming.  Grateful for this time to slow down, to keep it simple, and to do some foundational work.

Today I also finished my last day of work with my 'work from home' job, which was marketing related.  I am feeling grateful that I had that job for the time that I did.  It came to me kind of out of the blue, was incredibly flexible, and I learned and experienced new things from it and got to work with a friend in Austin.  It ended today and I know that it is because it is time for all involved to move onto other things.  But I am grateful that it happened and grateful to watch what is meant to unfold from here.

I am grateful also for things that move me - even small things that ignite interest or passion or motivation in me.  I am grateful for inspiration in its many forms, big or small.

Gratitude Day 35

A few things I am grateful for today:

• Sense of humor
• Walking outside and feeling the sunshine, even if briefly
• Hugging my children
• Not having to know the answers
• Chocolate
• Clean clothes and machines that make them so
• The Earth we live on
• A feeling of steady progress, daily small steps that feel good in my heart
• Community
• Meditation
• Fruits and the fact that the toddler will eat them
• People that teach us about love

Gratitude Day 34

It has been nagging me for a while and I wasn't sure what to do about it.  The need for retreat, for self renewal, for time and space to just be with myself and my family and adjust...it has been tugging at my sleeve for weeks saying, "Look at me.  Look at me."  But I didn't know what to do about it and being busy had its reward in the way of distraction.

So I prayed about it a lot.  Asked for clarity and for guidance, asked to somehow awaken in the morning and have some clue as to how to get the time I need.  And today I finally woke up and knew.

I am in the last week of work for one job, the one that is ending.  And, with the clarity of this morning, I requested a 40 day leave of absence from my other job, the midwifery job, which was quite hard to do.  This means I will miss the births of several women and I hate that.  It is really sad to me.  But the need for adjustment time is so huge and overwhelming that I couldn't put it off.

Part of me says it is flaky and lazy and perhaps even indulgent for a person in my position and that I should just push through.  But when I am in faith, I don't really believe that. I believe I am supported to do what I need to do, and that inner work is just as valid and important as outer work. So, in spite of the sometimes harsh words that play my head,  I am doing it anyway.  I'm doing it anyway because I feel like I have to for my own peace and well being, and for the benefit of my family, who depends on me.

I am grateful that my life and the people in it are incredibly supportive and flexible and generous with me, grateful that I somehow am even able to do such a thing as take a leave of absence.  I am grateful that I finally listened to the truth of what I need, accepted it, and took steps to make it happen.  I am grateful that I have this time and space to do the internal work I need to do, to bring the focus home, and to settle into the changes life is requesting of me.  I am so blessed and I will do my best to make the most of this time.

Gratitude Days 32 and 33

Day 32
Grateful for the sweet visit to Flagstaff, easy travel, and time and space to rest as Suky and I have both been fighting a cold since we got home.  Grateful for herbs and warmth and again, for my flannel sheets. Grateful for this time to just retreat from the world for a bit.  Grateful for a fridge full of food.

Day 33
I wasn't sure how this Christmas would be and I didn't hold a whole lot of expectation in my mind.  We aren't with any additional family, Suky and I are kind of sick, there's the ever-present awareness and uncertainty of the changes our family is going through, and I tend to go fairly light on the presents. (I love giving presents but dumping a bunch of money and resources on a huge pile of stuff generally feels wasteful and unnecessary to me.) I wondered if the kids - Satvinder in particular - might be disappointed.

But you know what?  It has been quite sweet and exactly the kind of low key Christmas that we needed.  The kids have enjoyed it and so have I.  Satvinder actually said, "This is the best Christmas ever!"

I am grateful for seeing how the dropping of expectations can open me up to simply enjoy what is.  I am grateful for this day and our family and the several kind neighbors who dropped by to deliver treats.  I am grateful for board games, seeing/hearing the children laugh, and the freedom to be in pajamas for half the day.  I am grateful for healthy food and peaceful feelings and the reminder of heart centered living that this time of year inspires in so many.  My heart feels good and I am grateful.

Gratitude Day 31

Gratitude Day 30

Today the girls and I are going to Flagstaff for a visit with their Dadaji and Naniji. The girls are so excited and Suky is already wearing her hat, mittens, and snow boots (and we aren't leaving for a few hours still.) I am grateful for family, for the joy and excitement of children, and for the many tools and practices I have that help me stay connected with the truth of my heart. I am grateful that when I ask for help, it comes.  I am grateful that we are blessed by so many good people and so many sweet moments.

Life has been teaching me a lot lately.  There is much opportunity to watch my reactions and emotional weather, to experience it all, to reflect on life, and to invite change in myself where needed.  In fact, I feel like divorce is one of the most powerful and concentrated experiences for personal growth that I have experienced.  It is incredibly painful sometimes but I cannot deny that the process has been transformational already.

One of the big lessons I have become more clear on is that I don't have to take things personally.  That is a logical concept but it isn't always easy to live it.  It is amazing to watch how many painful reactions spring out of the fear that what is happening somehow means that I am unlovable or I suck or whatever the mental chatter happens to be. The divorce process gives me lots of opportunity to explore that one!  It can feel like a really enormous rejection.   But what I am finally grasping is that it really isn't about me.

Sometimes life is hard and we all have our journeys. We see life through the lens of our own individual mind. And we do what we can with whatever our experience is.  It is so freeing and healing to let go of the belief that another person's choices means something about my worth.  Letting that go dissipates so much fear and allows me to be more neutral about their choices.  And it allows me to be more in love, which is the state I want to be in.

So that's a start and I am really, really grateful for every bit of letting go.  

Gratitude Day 29

All I know is that today had a really beautiful, light quality to it.  Not light as in the opposite of heavy - because all the intensity is still there.  But light as in bright and clear and just so full of love.  I enjoyed it very much, that light bright radiance.

I cleaned the house, which felt great.  And I spent a lot of time thinking about and feeling how much I love everyone.

And I acted on some dreams - literal dreams.  A couple months ago, I dreamed that a wise oracle woman told me it was very important that I eat "presziti" on the Winter Solstice.  When I woke up, it still felt important, more than just a dream.  So I searched on google and I asked around, seeking out what presziti might be.  I never found any evidence that it existed so I put away the thoughts of ever making it.

Today I awoke from a dream where I had cooked dinner for friends.  That dream, too, felt more like an actual instruction that just random processing of the subconscious mind.  So I decided to make food and feed some friends.  And then I remembered: OH!  Presziti!  It is the Winter Solstice.  I have to make Presziti.  So based on what I remembered of Presziti from the dream, I made it up.  It didn't exist.  But now it does - we had it for dinner.

What is Presziti?  Well, luckily it is pretty simple.  It is baked ziti and vegetables with a red sauce and cheese.    Thank goodness the oracle woman didn't tell me to make something hard.

Tonight I am tired, worn out in ways I can't quite explain.  Life is so many things right now.  I am grateful for friendship and laughter and moments of connection.  I am grateful for the subtle kindnesses of smiles and open hearts, and being welcomed - and even things like friendly driving.  I am grateful for every bit of kindness that can be added to this world.

Gratitude Days 26-28

Day 26
It might be kind of a silly, random thing but I'm really appreciated being able to take my kids to the dentist on Tuesday.  They both had a great experience (it was Suky's first time) and their teeth were found to be in good shape. They had fun, they smiled and laughed, and they got energized about brushing their teeth.  Suky got a front row seat while Satvinder's teeth were cleaned and by the time it was her turn, she's was pretty excited.  So yeah, dental hygiene and happy experiences, I am grateful  for you.

 

Day 27
I took a First Aid training course and felt lots of gratitude about the fact that I have not encountered many emergency situations in my life.  Extra special gratitude that most of the emergencies I have experienced were before I had kids - and not involving any kids.  Lots of gratitude for our general good health and well being.  Big blessing right there, for sure.

Day 28
I don't know anyone who's not confused right now.  I don't know anyone who's not weathering some kind of storm.  These are intense times.  It is just the way of it right now.  I am grateful for all the ways that we support each other and for the courage that people have to face and move through challenging times.  This 26 Acts of Random Kindness post really touched me.  Every time I see someone choose love and kindness it inspires me so much.  

Gratitude Day 25

As I make more conscious intention to spend time in gratitude, I am noticing it is flowing more and more.  I naturally feel lots of gratitude in my life but I am now feeling it even more.  Today I was overcome with gratitude when I filled my car with gas.  It made me realize there are so many things that I take for granted, so many things that can feel like abundance and blessings if only they are recognized.

After the super exciting filling of my gas tank, I met up with my friend, Leita.  She had an unexpected gift for me.  As I've mentioned, I have a thing for the murmuration of birds.  Some time recently I started trying to find an image - but I liked the idea of it including the word and that's not something I was finding much of.  I didn't tell anyone that I wanted this but today Leita presented me with this:

She knew I liked murmuration and it just came to her to make this for me.  So she did.  And she gave it to me, without me ever even voicing that I wanted such a thing.  I love when stuff like that happens.  So fun.  (Leita does lots of beautiful calligraphy projects - check out her store: Twinkle Calligraphy.)


Today I also attended and observed a meeting of the Midwifery Scope of Practice Advisory Committee, which is working with the AZ Department of Health Services to revise midwifery laws and regulations in this state.  What I am most grateful for about the experience is that an estimated 200 (or more) people showed up to support this effort and to support home birth midwives.  That many people managed to come to some boring government meeting in the middle of the day - many of them toting kids around - just to be a presence that sends a message of support.

And the message was received.  Apparently, not many issues get much attendance.  This one not only filled the room where the meeting was but it also filled an overflow room.  They kept having to bring in more chairs.

The public comment portion of the meeting was pretty short and not many people spoke.  But our presence said a lot.  And just the fact that people do care and do show up is inspiring to me.

Gratitude Days 23 & 24

I missed writing yesterday - went to bed early, fighting off a bit of sickness.  But I was grateful for the rest for sure.  And I am grateful, now, to be feeling better.

An overwhelming gratitude for so many of us these days, of course, is the precious moments we have with our children.  I really can't bear to say much about what happened in CT.  Really all I know to do is pray for all effected, put love into the world, and offer gratitude for the many things I have to be grateful for.  I mention just a few here.

I am grateful:
for the sounds and sights and feeling of my children.  for being able to hug them and feel them breathing.  for knowing where they are and how they are.  that they are here.  that they exist.

I am grateful:
for everyone who chooses love.

I am grateful:
for increasing awareness, the things we all learn and the ways we grow as life sheds light on things that have been previously hidden.  for learning how we can do better, how we can shift things, how we, as a society, can heal what needs to be healed.

I am grateful:
for all the tools that exist that can help us heal and create change.

I am grateful:
that my home is full of children, full of their life and energy and expression.  sometimes i complain about the mess but right now there is just gratitude for it all.  here are some cute examples from this weekend:

Satvinder leaves me messages on the fridge.

Gratitude Day 22

"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.' To this day, especially in times of disaster, I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers - so many caring people in this world." - Mister Rogers

I am grateful for the helpers - each person who does their thing, whatever it may be and however small or great it may seem at the time, to bring more love, light, peace, and kindness to this world.  

Gratitude Day 21

Today I am grateful that people are flexible and forgiving of me.  I kind of spaced out on a lot of things today.  I was an hour and a half late getting Suky to school.  I ended up having to take the morning off  from work appointments.  And then I mixed up the time and missed Satvinder's counseling appointment.  I didn't drop all my balls today but it certainly hasn't been my most "on it" day.

I am also grateful for the audio recording of Trends 2013, which I listened to this week and found really inspiring and exciting.  The themes and possibilities of the year ahead are pretty amazing.  I definitely think this lecture is worth getting and listening to - especially if you are familiar with and enjoy Power Path forecasts.  (I find them them to be really accurate for what I am experiencing.)

More:

• There is moisture in the air today, a rare treat here in the desert.
• In November I made an extra casserole and stuck it in the freezer.  Yay for that because it will feed us tonight.
• I got lots of nice smiles from "strangers" today.
• My dad unknowingly pocket dialed me this morning and I got to listen in while he ordered coffee at a drive through.  It made me laugh and it somehow felt sweet just to get that random peek into his day.
• Rest
• Breath
• Waking up

Gratitude Day 20

12-12-12
Today surprised me numerous times in delightful ways.

Here was one:

My nephew, Billy, and his girlfriend, Heather, drove through Phoenix on their way to San Francisco.  I had no idea they were coming and it was so sweet to have an unexpected, happy visit like that.

When Billy was a little boy, he would run and jump into my arms and give me the most wonderful hugs.  To this day, it touches my heart just to think it. He still gives fully committed hugs - tighter than anyone I've ever known.

And I got to meet Heather for the first time, which was a special treat too.

And another:
I got registered for some classes.  I'm going back to school, it seems.  It all has happened surprisingly easy - the grant money came and then I went for an advisor appointment this morning and they got me registered for classes on the spot, without me having to do much of anything really.

Also, I got a massage today - how lucky is that? And tonight we celebrated the birthday of a dear friend and got to be around good people.  And Suky keeps singing Jingle Bells and it is adorable.  And now it is night time and we get to go to bed and be cozy and warm and I have the softest, nicest flannel sheets I've ever felt in my life.

Gratitude Day 19

1. Warmth when it is cold
2. Sleep
3. Food
4. Love
5. Friendship
6. People who share their stories
7. Body work and massage
8. Water
9. The ways we are connected far beyond what we can see
10. Mystery
11. Possibility

Gratitude Day 18

1. The peace that is possible no matter what is going on
2. The times when I feel that peace
3. Glitter
4. The spontaneous, enthusiastic, and un-guarded hugs of children
5. Beautiful details
6. Unexpectedly finding a present sitting on my doorstep today
7. People who find a way to reach out and connect even though life is busy
8. Feeding people
9. Checking things off the to-do list
10. Quiet
11. A healthy, willing human body through which to experience this life

Gratitude Day 17

Satvinder and I got to spend some time together today - just the two of us, which is rare.  We made a ginger bread house and went out for ice cream and saw a movie while Suky got to do fun stuff with her dad.  I don't remember the last time we had a day like that together.  I'm grateful for a relaxed day and time with my kids and, as always, just the fact that these girls exist.

Today I also found out I got a grant (and some loans, if I need them) for going back to school.  I had no idea how easy it was to get money for school. That was a really pleasant surprise.  

Gratitude Day 16

A brief list:

1. Good sleep
2. People who tell the truth
3. Touch
4. Laughter
5. Projects
6. Learning
7. Mac and cheese and other easy options
8. Dresses
9. Feeling a sense of possibility
10. Experiences that change us and make us break down the walls
11. The children

And this...I don't where it is from but I like it so I'm grateful it exists:

Gratitude Day 15

Another Yes has been identified.

A big goal/priority I have right now is to clear out the clutter in my home, clean up our space, and make it feel more open and tidy and comfortable. And just to let go of what needs to go - which is a lot. It has been growing increasingly chaotic and hard to manage and that is very much not comfortable to me.  Also, it is very possible that moving could be in our near future and I feel the need to pare down what will be involved in that.

Honestly, this has been a "goal" of mine for years.  The house is not out of control like an episode of Hoarders or anything but it is cluttered enough that it nags me every day, at all times that I am in my house.  I made good progress for a while but then it started getting stacked up again and lately, it looms over me bigger than ever.  I just can't seem to get a handle on it.  It, like many things in life right now, overwhelms me.  I work on it and my efforts don't even seem to make a dent.

But, interestingly, almost every day I overhear or read or randomly step into a conversation about this very thing.  Most of the people who speak about it do not know this is my desire.  Most have no idea what my house looks like right now.  But it is mentioned and recommended and talked about.  It just keeps coming up and every time, I find myself thinking, "Yes!  I want that.  I neeeeeeed that.  I have to do it."

So there it is.  One more clear "yes."  Yes to clearing and cleaning and letting go on all levels.  I'm grateful for that clarity and grateful for the inspiration, energy, and action that will make it so.

Gratitude Day 14

My kids are here, they are healthy and well, they are thriving and playing and growing and their needs are met.  I get to hold them in my arms and put them to bed at night.  I get to laugh with them and listen to their songs.  So you know what?  I've got it made.

Gratitude Day 13

I've spent much of the last couple days yelling at God, at Life.  There have been many expletives involved.  I'm pulling it together a bit better today but that is mostly because one single thing became clear to me.  I said, "Ok, so if life is going to be like this then you (whatever 'you' are) have got to give me some direction.  I've got to know something to do in the midst of all this confusion.  I can't just be alone in the dark here with nothing.  Freaking, come on. COME ON."  (Or something to that effect but with a bunch of angry expletives thrown in.)

So I got one thing.  I did.  One single thing became clear to me, which is actually pretty huge because nothing - nothing - has been clear to me for some time now, except this one thing:  Now is the time to make my sadhana (daily spritual practice) stronger.  Well, that's a big "duh" kind of thing, isn't it?  Anyone who has experience with the concept of sadhana knows that. And plenty of people have reminded me of this.  I've reminded myself many times.  And I did up my practice a bit. I actually felt like I was trying.  But there are times in life when more, stronger, deeper work becomes mandatory.  It can't be ignored or put off or done minimally.  It is just known as what has to happen and that knowing is somehow powerful enough (thankfully) to penetrate the apathy.

So this one thing is clear to me and moved me enough to take action.  I got up earlier today and did more of a sadhana.  It still wasn't enough and I'll be adding more tomorrow.  But it was actually something that felt like a 'yes' to me.  Real, deep, solid 'yes' is  in short supply in my life right now.  'Yes' is all around me, I know that, but things are so shaken and broken inside me that I rarely am feeling it from within.  But this was something.  One thing that I know I want.  One thing that feels good and right and helpful all the way through every part of my being.

I am grateful today that God - Life - The Way of It - Whatever it is - threw me a bone and that this one clarity switch turned on inside me.  And I am, once again, grateful for the people who, all those years ago, first began to teach me the tools to have a practice at all.

Gratitude Day 12

"The great loneliness - like the loneliness a caterpillar endures when she wraps herself in a silky shroud and begins the long transformation from chrysalis to butterfly.  It seems that we too must go through such a time, when life as we have known it is over - when being a caterpillar feels somehow false and yet we don't know who we are supposed to become.  All we know is that something bigger is calling us to change.  And though we must make the journey alone, and even if suffering is our only companion, soon enough we will become a butterfly, soon enough we will taste the rapture of being alive."

- From Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser

Here's hoping.

Today I am grateful for:

• My children, - who bring meaning when it otherwise feels like there is none
• Food - especially considering so many people go without, I am grateful for my plentiful supply
• Home - and the faith that we will create "home" wherever we go, in whatever house we inhabit
• Friends and family who are willing to listen and be with me, no matter what
• Rescue Remedy
• Warm baths and clean, running water in general
• Sharing and the pleasure that comes with sharing
• Flannel sheets
• Yoga and meditation
• Sunshine
• Soft Kleenex

Gratitude Day 11

I have a thing about bird murmuration.  First of all, I like the word mumuration.  It is soothing just to say it/think it/ read it.  But seeing a flowing cloud of birds swooping and flying as one amazing dance of unity always does something for my heart.  It reminds me that we are all part of something.  I imagine humanity being watched from afar, our own tiny lives being viewed as part of a dance much larger than we can ever see or comprehend.

Over the last several months, murmurations have appeared to me more and more often.  Maybe I just notice them more than I used to or maybe they really are happening more around me.  What I do know is that when I see them, I always need to see them.  I see them when I need beauty and when I need to remember that I am not alone in this, that I am being danced along with everyone else.

Today I came home after having a meeting with an advisor at the community college.  I've been thinking about going back to school at the age of nearly 36 - the whole "trying to figure out what to do with my life" thing.  I left there pretty discouraged because the answers just aren't clear to me yet.  Nothing is really quite clicking.  Even though I understand that the nature of these times is uncertainty and dissolution (not yet the clarity of rebuilding,) I sometimes get frustrated and overwhelmed with all this sitting in the unknown.  Anyhow, as soon as I got out of the car, the birds appeared.  They flowed in front of me and ate from a tree in our yard, and then they whooshed over my head again and again - back and forth, up and down.  I stood there surrounded.

Then I noticed there were more off in the distance.  Several waves of birds near and far.  It was so beautiful. It was so perfect.  And now, at least for some moments, I remember the dance.

Gratitude Day 10

Three years ago today Suky emerged into this world.  There's so much gratitude wrapped up in that one sentence, that I could just stop right there.

But we're so lucky that we've had a whole beautiful day with gratitude spilling itself all over the place.  I worked most of the day at a festival in the park, a celebration of family and fun and community.  Suky's birthday was announced on stage and the whole park full of people sang Happy Birthday to her.

There were costumes and balloons and stilt walkers and magicians.  There was a parade for the children and a kids open mic (Satvinder performed poi in front of everyone and did great!)  And there were so many sweet people and there was music.

After the festival wrapped up, we went to dinner and, again, sang Happy Birthday to Suky.  Then her dad and I both said we loved her and she yelled so loudly, with such enthusiasm and joy, "I LOVE YOU TOO!"

Blessed.

Gratitude Day 9

I got to hang out with my kids all day today, which made my heart happy.

Funny kid things:

Me: Did you know we are mammals?
Suky:  We are not mammals.
Me: We have hair and we nurse our babies.  We are mammals.
Suky: No, we are people.
Me: People are mammals.
Suky (falling back dramatically on her bed): Oh, I give up!

-----

Our friend, Elia: Suky!  Gross!  You farted on me.
Suky laughs while Elia puts her in her car seat.
Satvinder: I hope Suky is comFARTable.

-----

Me: I need to pick up the house.
Suky: The house is big. You can't carry it.

-----

I do so enjoy them.