Day 30

Day 29

Satvinder was delighted to play a new computer game with Pitaji. She was so excited about what she was doing in the game she said, "Look what I can do! That's your kid!"
Mimi and sleeping Sukhjot. (Look at the baby hands! haha!)
Enjoying a super gift from Mimi - a new recliner! Oh, it is comfy and cozy. Sukhjot looks big, huh? She's a 10 pounder now.

Day 28

The exhaust fan: appropriately named for several reasons. Reasons that apply to us are that the sound comes in very handy for comforting a crying baby when a)you have exhausted everything you know to do and nothing is working and/or b)you and the baby are both exhausted.

Yay for exhaust fans!
Making use of the kitchen exhaust fan tonight

Day 27

In the wee hours of the morning, when I'm nursing Sukhjot and staring at the heart shaped night light in our room, I think of all kinds of clever things to write about and share with you on my blog. I'm FULL of ideas. I write it all in my head and then at the soonest possible opportunity, I conk out and completely forget it all.

It sure has been nice to have my mom visiting. Good to have family here. Good to have extra help. She helps me do the dishes, she holds the baby while I do things like take a shower and check my email, and she entertains Satvinder with coloring and crafts and stuff. Just having someone with me makes me a lot more brave about doing things - like going out into the world. I still don't really know how to handle two kids at once. So far, in our limited outings, there have been no major challenges - but it is just the idea that I have someone else there if I need them. But these days with my mom are good - I get my feet wet while I still have help. And soon I'm going to be a pro, right? Mmmm hmmm. Right.

Satvinder has been like a hungry puppy - dancing around us all and yap yap yapping for any attention she can stir up (positive or otherwise.) It's been a big adjustment for her too. My time with her is mostly involving reading. I can read while I nurse Sukhjot - so everybody wins. Lately we've been reading Superfudge, which is a funny kids book. On my own I read Operating Instructions, which is a funny postpartum book. We're all about the funny around here.
Sukhjot and some sock monsters

Satvinder with her bright eyes

Day 26

Have you ever touched Sukhjot's feet? If not, you really should run to my house right this very minute and come feel her little tiny, fabulous feet. I get dizzy with delight when I touch her feet. I can laugh and laugh just about the smallness of her "big" toe. Now that's entertainment!

I would really really really like to be completely present for every moment and soak up her feet and every other aspect of her as much as possible. But you know what I do? Most of the time I am spinning around on some other planet (not sure what planet I'm on...but you do have to sort of leave Earth for a while when you have a baby) or I am having all kinds of imaginings of possible future events.

Like today: I was sitting in the parking lot of Target while my mom returned some things. I saw a mom and pre-teen daughter. The mom was wearing a funny looking sweat suit and hair from the 80's and I could just imagine the daughter thinking "Ug. I have to go to Target with my MOM. How embarrassing." I got this feeling of dread as I thought "Oh God. That's going to be me and my daughters. I'm going to be the embarrassing mom in the weird sweat suit and they aren't going to want to go to Target with me. It's all just a count down to that."

So that's another thing I'm working on (forever) - just being with the beauty and intensity and simplicity of what is. Just being with those amazing little feet.

My girls

Day 25

Last night I got the most beautiful, delicious sleep. I got almost 6 hours in a row and OH. MY. GOD. It was such a tasty, insanely long slumber that just thinking about it makes my mouth water. I don't know how it happened but God bless my husband for keeping Sukhjot during that time and whatever magic voodoo he worked on her to make her sleep that long.

It came just in time. I hadn't told anyone but I was starting to get pretty seizurey. That happens when I don't get enough sleep. The last few days when morning would come and it was time to start the day, I would have a hard time opening my eyes - not just from being so tired - but because all the wrong wires in my brain were connecting...and all the right ones weren't. Somehow I'd forgot about how I start having more seizures (little ones - not the body convulsing kind) when I don't get good sleep. That was kind of a funny thing to forget. But when it started happening, I just thought "Ok. I'm just going to have to deal with it for a while. I mean...what can I do?"

Anyways, what a great Christmas present for me. I felt so much better today. And maybe the brain will accept that sleep offering to carry me over for a bit more. In any case...wow, that sure was nice.

Speaking of sleep, Satvinder has adopted my sleep stories as her own and even eggaggerates them as the mood strikes her. She wakes up in the morning (after sleeping all night) and says, "Ug. I hardly got ANY sleep last night - maybe like 2 hours." For a while, she was also re-enacting my laboring noises with her toys. I'd hear her playing with her ponies in the living room and they'd be saying "ooooooooOOOOOOOOOHHH aaaaaaaaHHHHH" After a few days, she went back to making the ponies be Harry Potter characters. I guess she'd processed what she needed to for the time being.

So...here are some pictures from today:
My view of the baby when I'm wearing her in the wrap. How do I stand it? How can I look at that ridiculously cute face day after day and not just explode? eeeeeeee!
And here she is sleeping in the wrap
Mangala Sadhu Sangeet - just because I like the faces he makes for photos
Mimi and Satvinder. They have been coloring Halloween pictures. But they color them in Christmas colors. So it works.

Day 24

Merry Christmas! Wishing you all a peaceful and happy holiday.
Satvinder with the dolls she got from Santa
Sukhjot after her bath in the kitchen sink
Our first family picture (finally). We seem to have a tradition of our first family photo including lots of crying - our first pic with Satvinder was the same. Anyways...there we all are!

Day 23

Merry Christmas Eve and many blessings!

We had our own Christmas miracle today as we made some good strides towards improving the situation that has been causing our little Sukhjot digestive suffering. (For those who are interested in my leaking breasts and gassy baby, I'm happy to share the whole story. For those who are not so interested, I'll spare the details here.) We determined our next course of action, thanks to the help of Lori Isenstadt (a very skillful lactation consultant) and my friend, Nirmal. It seems we might be making some significant progress.

We enjoyed the day with sunshine and walks, hanging out with Mimi, and when I wasn't freaking out about all the horrifying things that could possibly be creating Sukhjot's pains, it was a nice, relaxing day.
Weighing Sukhjot in the produce section of Safeway: Part of determining our course of action with Sukhjot's crying and hurting was to see if she is gaining the normal expected amount OR twice the normal expected amount of weight. And yes...yes...our little sweetie has gained double - which has actually been not so pleasant for her. (My body is a very enthusiastic feeder!)
As I kid, I managed to negotiate for opening one present every Christmas Eve. We continue that tradition and here Satvinder is very pleased to be picking out her present for the Eve.

Day 22

It is my tired, cranky time of day. I long to go to sleep but I am just not a good napper. Even when my mom or husband offers to take the baby so I can nap in the day, I just lay there not sleeping. Ah well.

I guess it is lucky that Sukhjot has her tired, cranky time later. Right now she is sleeping peacefully on my chest in a wrap - an angelic little chipmunk, with her rosy cheeks and funny sleeping facial grimaces and smiles.

Today Sukhjot is 3 weeks old. Satvinder planned a party - to celebrate the holidays and Mimi's visit and Sukhjot's 3 week mark. Between Mangala Sadhu Sangeet working and me nursing, the party plans didn't quite manifest the way Satvinder envisioned. (She had a whole schedule involving eating and sharing and stories and singing.) We managed the eating part.

Satvinder with her party schedule.
The "greeters" for the party
3 Week Old Sukhjot

Day 21

Rain. Cookies. Trying to find solutions to help crying baby. (I'm trying out the skin to skin too - thanks for the nudge, Kisha.) Oh, and lots of kisses.

That's today in a nut shell.
Mimi and Satvinder making gingerbread cookies
"Sheesh. More kisses."

Day 20

Mimi has arrived for a 10 day visit and Satvinder has been keeping her very busy all day ("Mimi - want to play with me? Watch me do this! Look, Mimi!"). It was a nice, smiling first meeting of Sukhjot and Mimi, followed by lots of screaming. (Sukhjot has some rough patches now - usually crying a lot for a couple hours in the morning or evening - or for a really exciting day, both morning and evening.) It is good to have my mom here - sharing it all.
Mimi and the girls

Satvinder decorated several onesies for Sukhjot. This one says "Star" on it.

Happy Winter Solstice, Everyone! I really like what my friend, Mehtab, wrote on the Yoga Yoga website about Winter Solstice - especially this particular overview of this Solstice: "The darkness passes. The light returns. The journey begins anew." (click on the Yoga Yoga link to read the whole thing)

Day 19

Today we're just tidying up - getting ready for Mimi to come visit tomorrow! And a bit of laundry too...


P.S. Tomorrow is Winter Solstice. I really like what the Power Path forecast says about tomorrow: (It especially makes sense if you read the rest of the month's info on the website.)

December 21: Winter Solstice at 10:47 AM Mountain Standard Time. This is an important solstice and a time to do something in community towards change. This is a time when something very important to you can become activated through the support of others and through something completely unexpected. The energy settles a bit during this time so that you can actually see how you have manifested the right order of things. Take some time to be grateful and to celebrate life and all that you have.

Day 18

I am grateful for my arms. It amazes me how perfect arms are for hugging another person and for holding a baby. How nice that the fit is so right.
THIS is the time to be in Phoenix. 70 degrees and sunny less than a week before Christmas.

Look how similar their profiles are!

Day 17

Each day we settle in a little more. It is good.

Day 17 was Satvinder's last day of school before holiday break (yay!) And it was my first real venturing out - driving to Scottsdale for an appointment. Wow - holiday traffic! People are really scurrying around.

I took Sukhjot to get an adjustment to hopefully help her digestion. She's been struggling with some digestive issues. We've been working on getting my milk supply balanced out (I tend to be on the overly abundant end of the spectrum, which is not so fun for my babies.) And there is good success with the adjustment she got - it will likely improve within a few days.
This particular sling is a winner right now for soothing Sukhjot to sleep. I don't usually leave her in it when I put her down but I thought it was a cute picture...kind of like a little cocoon.

Day 16

I'm keeping it short tonight. The baby is sleeping, Satvinder is at her school holiday program, and I am hoping to make use of the opportunity to get some rest.
Today we had some nice visits from friends. It just helps to have people around - to talk or not. Just to be in each other's company is helpful. This is Har Kaur and baby Narayan, after they kindly picked up some groceries for us.
Satvinder demonstrating some moves from The Nutcracker ballet. She was dressed for her school holiday program, which her class will perform in. Thanks to our friend, Leita, for taking her to the program tonight.

P.S. We're still learning how to use our camera - so fuzzy pictures are still happening. Someday maybe I'll read the manual? But for now...*yawn*

Day 15

Today...today has been a good day. I'm still exhausted but I have felt at peace and wow - I am so grateful to feel more balanced. My midwife told me that I would feel exponentially better after the 2 week mark (which is today.) At the time, I felt so down that I didn't believe her. I thought "Yeah. We'll see about that." But today I do, indeed, feel exponentially better.

The baby and I took a nice walk around the neighborhood - my first time since birth to take a decent length walk at a regular pace without any hurting from stitches! Oh the joy! I felt kind of like I was walking around drunk or not really in the world. It always feels a little weird to be out in the world when you've been removed from the outside for a while.

I thought about this transition. In pregnancy, you are so ripe and full - almost like a planet unto yourself. Then in birth, so much leaves in a big whoosh! The baby, the placenta, the amniotic fluid, blood - it all leaves so fast. And postpartum it is more leaving, more moving through the body that once was so full. It is a big adjustment to go from that to this body that is constantly leaking (physically, emotionally, and energetically), constantly putting out while retaining very little. Sleep leaves. The outside world leaves. Contact with other people leaves. And then you have to rediscover yourself and see who you are now - what is left? Who is left when so much has gone?

I always say that giving birth not only births a baby but it also births a new mother. And here I am living it. You are a different person after birth. And the process of discovery is in getting to know the baby and also in getting to know who you are now.

I feel like I processed a lot on the walk today as I mulled these things over. I feel like I acknowledged the loss and that made it much more possible to relax into the blessings of our new life. Me and Sukhjot - we shared lots of smiles today. And we were together, both new. It is a beautiful thing.

Soon Satvinder will be home from her busy day - including school, a field trip to the ballet, and an after school play date with a friend. I'll be so happy to see her.

Thank you, God, for my girls who teach me so much about life and love.

Sukhjot naked and adorable on her changing table. The sign above is one I made (and used) for labor but I am finding it to apply now too. "I will do what needs to be done."

Us

Day 14

I kissed Sukhjot on her chin(s) and she tried to eat my nose. I love her so much.

Today there were some almost "normal" feeling times. How about that? One time was being in the back yard - I was carrying Sukhjot in a sling while she slept and Satvinder was playing on the hammock - and there was sunshine. Satvinder was asking me to name an animal and then she would pretend to be that animal as she climbed around on the hammock. It was so simple but so nice.

Newborns make such funny noises - growls and shrieks and snorts. Mangala Sadhu Sangeet says Sukhjot sounds like a pterodactyl. He will look at her and say, in a serious voice, "You are really cute but we actually aren't a pterodactyl family. You might want to learn some new words."

Satvinder stayed home from school today. She had a sore throat last night so that was my "reason" for keeping her home. Really, I think I just wanted her to be with us - because she actually felt fine this morning and could have gone to school. It feels best when we are all together. I know I can't keep her home like this on a regular basis but it sure has been nice today.

Day 13

Today has been a bit smoother, thankfully. Less crying (talking about myself, not the baby.) Better sleep chunks last night. My friend, Nirmal, visiting this morning. Me setting my expectations lower - goal for today was not to actually get something done...instead it was to take a nap. I read a bit of the postpartum posts on dooce.com, which tells in humor and total honesty about a woman's experience with postpartum depression. And then there is my husband, who was extra funny today. Laughter is good medicine.

Actually, I could swear that Sukhjot laughed today. I know people will tell me that babies this young don't laugh. But she smiles all the time and I am telling you, I saw her laugh today. It was, of course, ridiculously cute...whatever it was.

Satvinder said something really sweet recently. She said, "Sukhjot is so soft that when I kiss her, I never want to stop."

I'm tired. But right now I'm not going to think about that. I'm going to post these pictures of my sweet family and just be grateful. They are really fantastic. And even when I'm in my wild sea of postpartum emotion, I am grateful for how they bust my heart right open. Even when it hurts.

This pic is from last night - snuggles near the Christmas tree.
Closer up to see their sweetness
My friend, Nirmal - she's been a huge help to me in pregnancy, at the birth, and ever since. Today she brought me Chai and held my baby while I drank it. How awesome is that?
Pretty baby

Day 12

When I was in the transition part of labor - where you feel there is no way you can do it anymore, things are crazy intense and out of control, and it is just the grace of God that you carry on somehow - it was suggested that I get out of the birth tub and go for a change of scenery to the shower. I didn't want to but I did and once there, I had to face the dark time. Contractions amped way up and I didn't know how to cope. I'd been using sounds - moans, groans, roars of all varieties for hours and that had really helped me - but when I got in the shower, it was so hard that my sounds became more like cries of panic. I writhed and screamed out. My husband was there and he gave some words of encouragement - I don't know what he said but I do know it meant a lot to have him with me. I began to pray. I prayed hard. Please God, get me through this. I don't know how to do it anymore. You have to get me through. Please help me.

Then I stood up resolutely and walked back to the birth tub. I couldn't think about what was yet to come, how much more might hit me, or how I was going to do it. I knew I just had to get in that tub and surrender. So I did - and one contraction at a time, we moved through it and we had a baby.

I find myself now, having postpartum transition - again in the shower - each day. I get up and am so tired after another sleep deprived night. Even with our best efforts at permitting sleep, there just isn't enough sleep for me. That's often just the way it is when you are breastfeeding a baby. So, anyways, I get up and I don't know how I'm going to get through another day. By the time I get into the shower, I am crying again and I face the overwhelm and the sadness that comes with a sleep deprived mind. Then I step out resolutely and tell myself that I don't have to know how to do anything. All I have to do is face whatever is in front of me right now. Comfort the crying baby. Change the diaper. Comb Satvinder's hair. Whatever. That's all. Just this moment. And one day...some day...I will sleep again.

On another note: The contented noises that a baby makes while nursing is just priceless.


I planned to comfort the baby only by in-arms methods. But as it turns out, sometimes this bouncy chair is the only thing that works. Thank God for the bouncy chair.
Pitaji and Pinky coloring. It is nice to have Satvinder home from school over the weekend. I'm looking forward to the holiday break when we will have her with us all day, every day.

Day 11

Baby head and Papa's hand
A little bit of super baby
Bedtime