I have been BLOWN AWAY by the kindness and support that has come my way since sharing my hair story. After agonizing as much as a I did about this, it has been really sweet to feel embraced. There is a lot of kindness in this world. It seems like we all are going through a softening process, life teaching us ways to be more tolerant of each other and our differences. At least, I hope this is happening. And this experience has further fueled that hope. So thank you.
From this one change - viewed as huge by some, insignificant by others - I am experiencing some things I have not experienced in a long time or, in some cases, ever. Before I took this step, I found it really helpful to talk to other people who had done it themselves. I only spoke to a handful of people as I felt the need to be private as I sorted through my own process with it. One of the questions I had about how cutting hair would affect me was in regards to the energetics of hair. Some people I talked to did not feel any effects but I did so I wanted to share.
Our teachings regard hair as an important part of the energetics of a human body, grown for a purpose and having benefits. This is something that has made sense to me but I never felt in a noticeable way. I think that if you cut your hair on a regular basis, as I did until I found Sikhism at 19, then you are probably used to the feeling of cut hair and don't have a comparison. I do have to say, now, that in cutting as much hair off as I did the other day (after growing it for about 14 years), I have now experienced the vast change. I have now personally felt it. It is subtle but it is huge. And I would actually describe it as pretty jarring and...even brutal. That was my experience, anyway.
It is obviously something that we are able to integrate but I just want to acknowledge that it is there. Over the years, being involved in training Kundalini Yoga teachers, I taught people on this topic. It is interesting for me to now know first hand how much hair contains and seals.
I found it helpful to get some good sleep as I adjusted to it (and I already am adjusting for the most part.) Yoga and meditation the next morning helped me feel less frazzled and blasted. Part of what cut hair does, in my experience, is it makes you more exposed and delicate energetically than you are with uncut hair. I guess that is one reason why various traditions say you hold power in your hair. That vulnerability can be a challenge but it is also something I have been wanting/needing - to be open to the rawness of my human experience.
I don't personally feel there is a right or wrong in this. It is just something that I wanted to acknowledge.
Isn't life fascinating?
Monday, May 31, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Today is the Day
Written this morning:
Today is the day that I cut my hair. For the majority of American population, this is not a big deal. But in the Sikh community, it is a BIG deal. Hair – uncut hair – is one of the key identifying practices of Sikhs. Cutting your hair changes how you are viewed, perceived, related to, and accepted – whether you want it to or not. And, for me, arriving at this decision, has been a process of self exploration, identity crisis, and lots of really painful questions. It is just the beginning...I know.
Over the years, I have had plenty of experiences, myself, where I felt confused about how to interact with someone who was living as a Sikh but then later cut their hair. I understand the awkwardness in that – not knowing where they stand, why they did it. I often looked at people, in a weird kind of avoiding way, as if they had a large booger that I was trying not to see. I didn't know if I should acknowledge it or just act like nothing was different. So I know this experience and it is my hope that by being upfront about it myself, I can ease that discomfort for others. I say that, knowing full well that I have no control over what others think or feel.
I am not angry or resistant or rebellious towards the ways of Sikhism. Much of what has been true for me is still true. But the hair...the hair has not been true for me for while. The turban has not been true for me for a while. That is where I am at in life. I HAVE been angry and resistant and rebellious about accepting THAT. My mind has been a jumbled mess of duality for a while and now I am finally accepting that, for whatever reason, this is where I have been led. I have been brought to this point in my life where I must seek what is the truth of my being and not be afraid if that journey looks different that I anticipated.
I understand that some people will view this as stepping away from my spiritual path. The irony, for me, is that I actually feel like it is something I need to do to dive deeper into my spiritual path. I don't know where it is leading – and not that long ago, I would have been shocked if someone had told me that this is what I would do. But, for me, it an opening. It is an exploration. And it is ALL ABOUT my relationship with the Infinite. I wish I could explain more fully but when it comes to one's personal relationship with God, maybe there just aren't adequate words.
I am grateful to my husband, who has been so patient and accepting of me as I have navigated and vacillated and cried and fretted throughout this process. It is not what he expected either. But he has been a steady strength and flexible partner as life's waves move us every which way. And yes...this opens up lots of questions about how we raise our children. (Though children are individuals that have their own ideas about how they live anyway.)
If you have questions for me, you can ask. I will try to answer as honestly and openly as I can. Sometimes I don't know the answers. But I want you to know that you can talk to me about this if you want.
So. There you have it. With love, devotion, and an open, seeking heart...I take a step into the unknown.
Update, this evening:
Wow. So I did, indeed, do it. I'm a little freaked out. But it is ok. My friend, Nirmal, went with me and took pictures. This is going to take some getting used to.
Arriving at the hair cutting place
Sitting in the chair.
The cutting of the braid: this the portion I am donating to Locks of Love, an organization that provides wigs to children who have lost their hair for medical reasons.
The braid off...kind of a lot for me to process. Right now (as I type this) the braid is sitting on my desk. I have a hard time looking at it. It is intense.
Cutting the rest of the hair - still a lot left, by typical standards.
Finishing it up...
And there you have it. That's me. Yeah. Like I said, gonna take some getting used to.
Today is the day that I cut my hair. For the majority of American population, this is not a big deal. But in the Sikh community, it is a BIG deal. Hair – uncut hair – is one of the key identifying practices of Sikhs. Cutting your hair changes how you are viewed, perceived, related to, and accepted – whether you want it to or not. And, for me, arriving at this decision, has been a process of self exploration, identity crisis, and lots of really painful questions. It is just the beginning...I know.
Over the years, I have had plenty of experiences, myself, where I felt confused about how to interact with someone who was living as a Sikh but then later cut their hair. I understand the awkwardness in that – not knowing where they stand, why they did it. I often looked at people, in a weird kind of avoiding way, as if they had a large booger that I was trying not to see. I didn't know if I should acknowledge it or just act like nothing was different. So I know this experience and it is my hope that by being upfront about it myself, I can ease that discomfort for others. I say that, knowing full well that I have no control over what others think or feel.
I am not angry or resistant or rebellious towards the ways of Sikhism. Much of what has been true for me is still true. But the hair...the hair has not been true for me for while. The turban has not been true for me for a while. That is where I am at in life. I HAVE been angry and resistant and rebellious about accepting THAT. My mind has been a jumbled mess of duality for a while and now I am finally accepting that, for whatever reason, this is where I have been led. I have been brought to this point in my life where I must seek what is the truth of my being and not be afraid if that journey looks different that I anticipated.
I understand that some people will view this as stepping away from my spiritual path. The irony, for me, is that I actually feel like it is something I need to do to dive deeper into my spiritual path. I don't know where it is leading – and not that long ago, I would have been shocked if someone had told me that this is what I would do. But, for me, it an opening. It is an exploration. And it is ALL ABOUT my relationship with the Infinite. I wish I could explain more fully but when it comes to one's personal relationship with God, maybe there just aren't adequate words.
I am grateful to my husband, who has been so patient and accepting of me as I have navigated and vacillated and cried and fretted throughout this process. It is not what he expected either. But he has been a steady strength and flexible partner as life's waves move us every which way. And yes...this opens up lots of questions about how we raise our children. (Though children are individuals that have their own ideas about how they live anyway.)
If you have questions for me, you can ask. I will try to answer as honestly and openly as I can. Sometimes I don't know the answers. But I want you to know that you can talk to me about this if you want.
So. There you have it. With love, devotion, and an open, seeking heart...I take a step into the unknown.
Update, this evening:
Wow. So I did, indeed, do it. I'm a little freaked out. But it is ok. My friend, Nirmal, went with me and took pictures. This is going to take some getting used to.
Arriving at the hair cutting place
Sitting in the chair. 
The cutting of the braid: this the portion I am donating to Locks of Love, an organization that provides wigs to children who have lost their hair for medical reasons.
The braid off...kind of a lot for me to process. Right now (as I type this) the braid is sitting on my desk. I have a hard time looking at it. It is intense.
Cutting the rest of the hair - still a lot left, by typical standards.
Finishing it up...
And there you have it. That's me. Yeah. Like I said, gonna take some getting used to.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Baby Plank Pose
This is a video of Satvinder instructing Sukhjot to do plank pose...and the baby doing it in her own baby way (you have to watch until the end.) Sukhjot does plank pose a lot these days - gearing up for crawling. Plank Pose Video
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Sukhjot in Wikki
We got Satvinder some Wikki Stix. They have proven to be quite fun for the six year old. She made a picture of Sukhjot out of them. So here you have the artist, the subject, and..."Wikki Sukhjot"
You might check Satvinder's blog in a day or two to see a close up of the Wikki pic. She has plans to put it on her blog. And who knows what else will be on there. The girl has plans, I tell ya.
You might check Satvinder's blog in a day or two to see a close up of the Wikki pic. She has plans to put it on her blog. And who knows what else will be on there. The girl has plans, I tell ya.
Flagstaff Last Weekend
I'm not sure why this picture came out the way it did but it looks kind of neat.
Satvinder and Sukhjot explored sound with tablas and guitar. 
Dadaji and Sukhjot
Nonni and Satvinder planting some flowers that Satvinder got to bring home to the desert. She's keeping up well with watering it - so far, so good!
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Pitaji and the Little Pip
When I saw this sweet snuggle scene I squealed, "Eeeeeeee!" and ran for the camera.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
Brilliant
It never occurred to me until today when, as I was folding up a bag of chips, I saw Sukhjot looking longingly at the wondrous crinkling material in my hands: Top cut off of a chip bag = awesome toy! Cutting just the top of the bag made a great strip of never-ending noise that fits well in tiny hands.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
hi sister
We've been rearranging the house this weekend. It has become kind of a big project but it feels good to change things up. I guess Satvinder wanted to change things up too - she enlisted her father's help to make a new desktop background. She wanted it to be pink with a picture of Sukhjot's head. Then she arranged her desktop icons to say "hi sister." It is freaking adorable. Any funny.
Such a creative girl. When she got it set up, she was very excited.
Girls snuggling in our "new" living room.
Such a creative girl. When she got it set up, she was very excited.
Girls snuggling in our "new" living room.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Blog of The Pinky
The six year old has her own blog now. You can read the words of Pinky and her wonderful fluctuations between excessive and non-existent punctuation at: www.sisterofthebaby.blogspot.com
Who knows what is yet to come!
Who knows what is yet to come!
And Also...
I have cute kids.
I like to hold those feet too.
Sukhjot is not crawling yet but that doesn't stop her from getting around. We put her one place and she scootches somewhere else. Last night she scootched herself right under the love seat. Satvinder joined her.
I like to hold those feet too.
Sukhjot is not crawling yet but that doesn't stop her from getting around. We put her one place and she scootches somewhere else. Last night she scootched herself right under the love seat. Satvinder joined her.
It is not just me then?
I had a whole personal thing written out that I was thinking of sharing about some things I am going through, in increasing intensity, lately. But I'm not ready yet - not even clear enough to speak to my internal workings. The best I know how to say it, in a simplistic sort of way, is that I am having an identity crisis. I am not sure who I am or what I'm about as some major things I have identified with are changing for me. And that is taking me through an agonizing process.
But apparently, I'm not the only one...
So here is the first paragraph of an article by Jose Stevens that I found very timely. It pretty much sums things up. (The rest of the article focuses mostly on divorce and death - but much can be applied to other sorts of endings. Read the full article here) But really, that first paragraph, alone, is just good to know.
"We have entered a time of unprecedented change, rapid transformation, a paradigm shift for the planet, and while this can be exciting and interesting there is a price to pay. For everything new comes an ending of the old, old ideas and beliefs, old techniques, old routines and lifestyles, and old ways of holding onto relationships. With the economies of the world in flux, old systems failing, religions in crisis, corporations crashing down, old belief systems being replaced, and new technologies appearing on the scene daily, people don't know who they are anymore. When most people gain their sense of self by what they identify with, change brings about an identity crisis and with it the possibility for tremendous growth."
But apparently, I'm not the only one...
So here is the first paragraph of an article by Jose Stevens that I found very timely. It pretty much sums things up. (The rest of the article focuses mostly on divorce and death - but much can be applied to other sorts of endings. Read the full article here) But really, that first paragraph, alone, is just good to know.
"We have entered a time of unprecedented change, rapid transformation, a paradigm shift for the planet, and while this can be exciting and interesting there is a price to pay. For everything new comes an ending of the old, old ideas and beliefs, old techniques, old routines and lifestyles, and old ways of holding onto relationships. With the economies of the world in flux, old systems failing, religions in crisis, corporations crashing down, old belief systems being replaced, and new technologies appearing on the scene daily, people don't know who they are anymore. When most people gain their sense of self by what they identify with, change brings about an identity crisis and with it the possibility for tremendous growth."
Monday, May 3, 2010
This is what happens...
when you give a six year old her own email account.
(click on the image to see it in larger view)
(click on the image to see it in larger view)
Sunday, May 2, 2010
This is how we do it. Part 2.
Our evening: Mundane, silly, and, to me, totally awesome.
After the canceled photo shoot, we decided to go out to eat. We were mostly dressed so we might as well. On the drive there, Satvinder said she wanted to be called "Sally." She likes the name Sally now. Mangala Sadhu Sangeet and I took turns teasing her, "What? You want to be called Salad? Smelly?", "Silly? Ok. We'll call you Silly," or "Ohhh. you like the name Salamander!" I laughed until I cried. Then Satvinder cried. But she wasn't crying from laughter. She was just crying from crying. Turns out the joke was not actually funny to her. At all.
When we got to Sweet Tomatoes (Satvinder's choice), I rolled the baby around in one of their handy little baby seat things on wheels and she chewed on her dress. We made our several trips to the buffet. Satvinder ate exactly the required amount of veggies and then proceeded to consume six (6!) pieces of pizza. She would take a bite of hot pizza and then blow her warm breath at the baby, pretending to be a dragon. Sukhjot thought it was hilarious.
As we waited for Satvinder to chew through her many pieces of pizza, the baby started to get a bit fussy. I began to pat my hand over her mouth, breaking up the sound, for amusement. I had forgotten that we used to do that with Satvinder when she was a baby. (I am continually amazed at how much I had forgotten and remember now as I am doing the baby life again.) Sukhjot immediately stopped crying and began to laugh - which made us all laugh. And then she started licking my hand - which made us laugh more. Once again, I found myself in tears from laughing so hard.
Today marks 5 months with Sukhjot (on the outside.) Today was a perfect example of a day in the life of us: plans that don't happen, falls, tears, laughter, goofiness, love, and joy from unexpected, simple things. My house is a disaster. My clothes are all stained with breast milk and spit up. I never feel like I have it "together" (or if I do then I am quickly shown otherwise.) But holy crap - sometimes I am just in so much ecstasy that I think I will explode. Life is beautiful. And hard. And so completely precious.
SO COMPLETELY PRECIOUS.
After the canceled photo shoot, we decided to go out to eat. We were mostly dressed so we might as well. On the drive there, Satvinder said she wanted to be called "Sally." She likes the name Sally now. Mangala Sadhu Sangeet and I took turns teasing her, "What? You want to be called Salad? Smelly?", "Silly? Ok. We'll call you Silly," or "Ohhh. you like the name Salamander!" I laughed until I cried. Then Satvinder cried. But she wasn't crying from laughter. She was just crying from crying. Turns out the joke was not actually funny to her. At all.
When we got to Sweet Tomatoes (Satvinder's choice), I rolled the baby around in one of their handy little baby seat things on wheels and she chewed on her dress. We made our several trips to the buffet. Satvinder ate exactly the required amount of veggies and then proceeded to consume six (6!) pieces of pizza. She would take a bite of hot pizza and then blow her warm breath at the baby, pretending to be a dragon. Sukhjot thought it was hilarious.
As we waited for Satvinder to chew through her many pieces of pizza, the baby started to get a bit fussy. I began to pat my hand over her mouth, breaking up the sound, for amusement. I had forgotten that we used to do that with Satvinder when she was a baby. (I am continually amazed at how much I had forgotten and remember now as I am doing the baby life again.) Sukhjot immediately stopped crying and began to laugh - which made us all laugh. And then she started licking my hand - which made us laugh more. Once again, I found myself in tears from laughing so hard.
Today marks 5 months with Sukhjot (on the outside.) Today was a perfect example of a day in the life of us: plans that don't happen, falls, tears, laughter, goofiness, love, and joy from unexpected, simple things. My house is a disaster. My clothes are all stained with breast milk and spit up. I never feel like I have it "together" (or if I do then I am quickly shown otherwise.) But holy crap - sometimes I am just in so much ecstasy that I think I will explode. Life is beautiful. And hard. And so completely precious.
SO COMPLETELY PRECIOUS.
This is how we do it.
Happy 5 Month Birthday, Sukhjot!
I won't bore you with the details of my long journey with trying to get family photos done. I just want you to know it has been a long journey. Today we had an actual appointment. The clothes were ready (another long journey), the people were bathed and awake at the same time (an amazing feat), we were 20 minutes away from getting into the car. And then the baby fell.
Bless her little heart - she had another fall on her face, again onto rocks. I promise, promise, promise that we do actually know how to take care of children. Well, we know as much as you can know about something you can't possibly know. (That makes sense in my head - hopefully, it is translating.)
In my last post I mentioned that she was wiggling out of her bouncy seat. It turns out she can wiggle out really really fast - as in, don't turn around because BAM, the baby will roll herself onto the ground. And, just to spread the guilt around, this time it happened on Pitaji's watch. So this is face plant #3 for Sukhjot. (Satvinder once let the baby fall on her face too, resulting in a bruised forehead. Of course, none have been as bad as when I dropped the baby when we were in Austin.) Anyways...
She is ok and doesn't seem to be hurting from it. But the family photo thing was not going to happen after that.
We rescheduled - and I'm sure it will happen somehow. Some people actually manage to do these amazing photos with newborns. (I could hardly manage to comb my hair in the first weeks.) Some people take these beautiful, artistic, sun-light shining from the heavens, matching clothes, hair in place kinds of family photos. I'm just hoping we can some day all be in a photo together. Hopefully one that doesn't include crying.
Yesterday - When Satvinder finishes her Saturday dance class, the kids all get stickers. She always puts her sticker on the baby's forehead like a bindi.
Today - me and Satvinder
Baby with the red marks, post fall.
Satvinder with her hair done - had to take a picture because it doesn't last long.
I won't bore you with the details of my long journey with trying to get family photos done. I just want you to know it has been a long journey. Today we had an actual appointment. The clothes were ready (another long journey), the people were bathed and awake at the same time (an amazing feat), we were 20 minutes away from getting into the car. And then the baby fell.
Bless her little heart - she had another fall on her face, again onto rocks. I promise, promise, promise that we do actually know how to take care of children. Well, we know as much as you can know about something you can't possibly know. (That makes sense in my head - hopefully, it is translating.)
In my last post I mentioned that she was wiggling out of her bouncy seat. It turns out she can wiggle out really really fast - as in, don't turn around because BAM, the baby will roll herself onto the ground. And, just to spread the guilt around, this time it happened on Pitaji's watch. So this is face plant #3 for Sukhjot. (Satvinder once let the baby fall on her face too, resulting in a bruised forehead. Of course, none have been as bad as when I dropped the baby when we were in Austin.) Anyways...
She is ok and doesn't seem to be hurting from it. But the family photo thing was not going to happen after that.
We rescheduled - and I'm sure it will happen somehow. Some people actually manage to do these amazing photos with newborns. (I could hardly manage to comb my hair in the first weeks.) Some people take these beautiful, artistic, sun-light shining from the heavens, matching clothes, hair in place kinds of family photos. I'm just hoping we can some day all be in a photo together. Hopefully one that doesn't include crying.
Yesterday - When Satvinder finishes her Saturday dance class, the kids all get stickers. She always puts her sticker on the baby's forehead like a bindi.
Today - me and Satvinder
Baby with the red marks, post fall. 
Satvinder with her hair done - had to take a picture because it doesn't last long.
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