Goodies

We got a package from our New York family today - a sweater and purse that my sister-in-law, Kate, made. We love handmade goodies! I am so impressed when people can make stuff like this - I would love to be able to. What a fun package of sweetness.
Sukhjot wearing her sweater and Satvinder wanted to make it look like the baby was holding the purse (another hilarious joke to Satvinder.)

Beautiful Day

Today was fantastic - full of enjoyment. It has made me revel in the gratitude of how my life has changed. There was hiking and perfect weather, baby smiles, yummy treats, relaxed visiting, positive encounters with strangers...just lots of really nice stuff. Tonight I got to watch Satvinder play with the baby in the bath - squeezing a sponge of water on the baby's tummy - while the baby grinned at her big sister.
Waking Satvinder up for school involved some sister snuggle time

And some snuggle time after school
Satvinder and Pitaji wrestling
Us girls with Liz

Happy Morning

THIS is what I wake up to in the morning. Today Sukhjot and I started our day at 5 am and holy cow...it was a beautiful early morning sight. She's such a smiley, delightful little thing.

Wedding Prep day

Satvinder is going to have a role in Liz's wedding next month in Austin. So today was about wrapping up some details around that. It is a happy occasion to be preparing for.
Liz and Satvinder making streamers for Satvinder's role in the wedding
Sukhjot - hanging out and being mellow

Visit from Liz and a Super Cute Monkey Hat

My long-time friend, Liz, is here for a few days and that is fun. Yay! Also the monkey hat I ordered off Etsy arrived today. Yeah...we are probably going to be seeing a lot of that monkey hat. Cuteness overload!

Look at those Cheeks

You know, the pictures don't even do her justice at all. But look at those cheeks.

Sukhjot is starting to grow her hair back now - sweet, little soft fuzz on top. She was born with hair but then lost a lot of it. Now comes this delightful head fuzz. Satvinder says, "She's such a funny, fuzzy head baby!"

Yep, she is.

Things I love

Baby Spit Bubbles
I don't know why but I just love baby spit bubbles. Sukhjot can even give herself a little goatee sometimes. Wonder child!

Smiles
Sukhjot wakes up smiling lately. It is awesome! Thank God...we really needed for somebody to be a morning person around here.

The Moby Wrap
Wraps and slings are fabulous things for baby carrying mamas who need their hands free. Sukhjot usually really likes being in the wrap but I've noticed that complete strangers sometimes don't like to see her in it. Sometimes people come up to me and start talking for the baby in a goofy high-pitched voice, "Please Mommy, take me out of this thing." Seriously. I'd forgotten how much attention you attract when you are holding a baby. It is like being a celebrity. And if you have a "baby in a pocket" then it is even more. I could do without the commentary but the Moby Wrap, itself, gets two thumbs up.

The Real Moment
Satvinder and I have been butting heads a lot lately. It has been really frustrating for her to have to let go of the spotlight and sometimes I am not as patient as I would like to be. She's a very persistent person and can maintain a tantrum for a surprising looooong time. It can be extremely emotional (and exhausting) for us both - even though, on the surface, it is almost always about something trivial. But what I love is the times when we finally stop and connect in a real way: when she realizes what she is really feeling (it usually isn't really about the tights she wants to wear or the sweets she wants to eat) and I realize that what she needs is for me to direct my focus and love to her. I am grateful for those moments of awareness - sometimes we have to unravel quite a bit but it is really nice when we finally get there.

Still a funny joke to Satvinder: putting stuff on the baby's head

Please Share this Info

I would be grateful for your help in sharing this. I have set up an auction for a nice red coral/diamond/gold ring, with 100% of the sale going to the Red Cross to help in Haiti.

The auction is just 7 days long so please share now. The more people know about it, the better the donation result will be. Thank you for you help!

Ring Auction for the Red Cross

The Runners are Running

We went and cheered for the runners in the Rock N Roll Marathon. It, very conveniently, runs right through our neighborhood.
My dad running
We cheered for the runners and some of the runners cheered for the baby. GOSH. She wasn't even running. Mostly she was sleeping.
Satvinder and her pal, Ananda
Satvinder and Sukhjot both have shirts that celebrate Grandpa today. Sukhjot looks extra excited about hers in this picture.

A Couple More...

At Satvinder's school
Annual statue climbing and photo opp - when we go to pick up Grandpa's race packet downtown.

The Stuff of Life

Things are good. My dad is here for his annual visit and run in the marathon. Sleep, when it finally occurs, has been phenomenal these last few days. My friend, who just had a baby, eluded to their good sleep on her blog and wouldn't actually give it words since she didn't want to jinx it. That's exactly how I feel. I actually have been cautious about speaking of it - that's how amazing it has been. It takes a long time for it to happen but once it does...it is fantastic. Shhhhh. Forget I said anything.

And it is taking near constant effort but I am actually sort of staying on top of the massive amount of laundry that is being generated. Piles and piles of it. Alllll the time. Who knew such a small person could generate so much laundry?

Simple things. And they are so good to me.

Sukjot getting to know Grandpa BJ.
Baby face
Funny baby face
Satvinder ready for her first dance class today. Rainbow leg warmers! Yes!
Grandpa and Satvinder reading Satvinder's new favorite book, Calvin and Hobbes. Yep, we are proud.

Hands

I cannot cannot CANNOT get enough of those hands. I love the things she does with her hands when she sleeps. Or when she is awake. Or fluttering in between the two states. She is just yummy.

Party Cat

I have been resisting saying it publicly but I can no longer deny it. Sukhjot reminds me of Party Cat.

Oh, Little Party Cat, please go to sleep. I'm really too tired to party. Or bounce you next to the exhaust fan. Whatever.

Check out the series: Party Cat
(Don't worry, I don't want to call Animal Control or invite any ferocious dogs over.)

Day 40

Yesterday was the 40th day of Sukhjot's life, the completion of a cycle of initiation. GOOD GOD, things can change a lot in 40 days.

Sharing our birth story was really great. It helped me a lot to process it through writing but the feedback is what has blown me away. Reading stories of birth, witnessing births, and seeing videos has been a huge part of my journey in getting to know birth. So it is only fair that I share mine now. It is kind of personal (haha - KIND OF) but it has been so amazing to put it out there and get such overwhelming feedback. Being completely exposed in such a raw way is good.

The idea of destruction as a means towards creation seems to be striking for people in a lot of different situations right now. It is true - life is full of transformation and birth in many forms these days. The world is changing. And sometimes - or perhaps usually - that is hard.

I'm sending love to those of you who are in your Kali moments. May your destruction give birth to peace and light - in whatever way Spirit moves you.

The Birth of Sukhjot Kaur

The experience of birth (and postpartum) makes me think of Kali, the goddess of destruction. Honestly, I might kind of prefer to say it is some earthy, loving, beautiful goddess image but instead it is Kali, who shows up and starts kicking ass. Then she doesn't just take names, she cuts off your head and strings it on a garland around her neck. Everything you once were, all that you knew of yourself and your life gets destroyed. And then out of that total annihilation, comes the new, amazing life.

As someone who is still moving through the annihilation part but is enough past the initial intensity, I can see how sweet and loving that destruction really is. It may not be gentle but it is kind, in the truest sense – it takes you where you need to go, where you would not go unless a force beyond you insisted upon it. I am so incredibly grateful for the humbling and powerful force that is creation.

This is the telling of destruction and creation as Sukhjot emerged into our world:

Labor began its gentle hints on the morning of December 1, 2009. Since I'd had contractions off and on for weeks, I just observed with the attitude of “oh maybe...we'll wait and see.” I'd felt crampy and a little bit weird all through the night and didn't want to leave the house. I didn't feel very good and asked Mangala Sadhu Sangeet to take Satvinder to school so I could stay home.

I set about the day, enjoying the fact that contractions were not stopping, as they had on other days. I cleaned, I sang, I enjoyed puttering around the house and answering emails – little things to distract me from getting too excited. Mangala Sadhu Sangeet had been up all night so he was sleeping through the day. It was just me and the early, growing sensations of impending birth. I loved it.

In the afternoon, I read about the full moon that was going to be early the next morning. I felt like that moon was calling the baby, awakening some process within me. I read the following forecast from Power Path and I knew, without a doubt, that labor was beginning and the baby would come on the full moon:

December 2: Full Moon at 12:30 AM Mountain Standard Time. There are all kinds of support for movement and action and its all systems go. Look at what is being activated right at this time. Pay attention to what is in your face and right in front of you. Decide with certainty about what it is that you really want. This moon will fill that desire and activate it so be careful what you ask for.

Having that realization, I began to cry and laugh and tell the baby “I'm so happy that you are coming!” The contractions became more noticeable and I started to time them. I emailed my friends, Nirmal, who would be attending as my doula (labor support) and Emily, who would be coming to help take care of Satvinder, to let them know I'd probably be calling them to the birth later. I baked cookies for those who would attend and was delighted by the idea that this time I wouldn't have to eat the cookies myself. (On previous days, I'd baked cookies just in case and then when contractions stopped, I'd eaten most of them myself!)

I mopped the floors, stopping for contractions and circling my hips. They were getting stronger and I was loving it. I was so happy to be starting labor. When it was time to pick up Satvinder from school, Mangala Sadhu Sangeet got up and I told him I thought we'd be having a baby by the next day. As he picked up Satvinder, things continued to increase and when he got home, he timed contractions for me. They were 4-5 minutes apart.

We called Nirmal and she arrived with dinner and gelato and disposable cameras for Satvinder to take her own pictures. By then, I was on my hands and knees, again circling my hips with contractions and I was starting to make moaning sounds. My back was beginning to really ache. We called for Pam, our Midwife, and Apprentice Midwives, Cheyanne and Selena. I was still smiling.

At one point, in between contractions, Satvinder brought over a “mood decoder” - a little dial she'd made that turns to show various moods. She said, “I picked bored because it doesn't have awkward.”

Nirmal and Mangala Sadhu Sangeet took turns pressing on my back during contractions. It really helped to have that counter pressure. We moved into the dining room, where the birth tub was set up. I began leaning over a chair when the contractions came and was getting louder with my moans. After a particularly stronger contraction, I heard Satvinder laughing and looked behind me to see Mangala Sadhu Sangeet wearing an elephant nose as he pressed on my back. As the intensity was building, I was so grateful to have laughter.


Soon I also had tears. Contractions flowed through my body and emotion roared through as well. I felt like I was stepping over a threshold into something really heavy. I was happy, I was overwhelmed, I was intimidated. Satvinder and Emily were sitting at the table, doing crafts. I felt the need to explain my tears to Satvinder, “I'm not sad. I'm just crying because it is intense. I'm happy. I'm really happy.” I think that was the last time during labor that I had the ability to explain anything to anyone.

When Pam arrived, she checked my dilation. One of things I knew (and liked) about Pam was that she doesn't tell how many centimeters a woman is dilated. She shows with her hands, making a circle, “You are this open.” Of course, I still tried to guess what number I was at. I felt the need to be conservative – I guessed I was 2 or 3 cm. (I was actually 4.) In any case, I was just glad I was dilating.

I labored for a bit in the bedroom (leaning over the bed) and bathroom (hanging from the towel rack!) and eventually, things had gotten more challenging and I was glad to get into the birth tub for relief. It felt great and I was immediately thankful that we'd made the decision to get the big one. I really tested the strength of that tub. My body moved through yoga positions- squatting and lunging and circling – not something I was necessarily intending to do or even trying to do. It was just how my body moved with the sensations. I began to get very hot. I was now far, far away from planet Earth and it was hard.






I got out for a while and sat on the floor in full nakedness. I had long since lost any cares of modesty. I labored on the floor in butterfly pose and began to feel more pressure. When the water had cooled off a bit, I got back in the tub for more moaning and swaying. I began to do little grunting pushes even though I was not fully dilated. It felt good to push a bit and it made me feel like I was making progress. Pam checked my dilation for the second, and last, time and said I was not dilated all the way but I was making progress and it wasn't hurting my cervix for me to do the little pushes. I was glad I could keep doing the pushes but I was very depressed that I wasn't fully dilated. I imagined I was probably just at 5 cm. (I was actually at 7 cm, I found out later.)


By this time, we were late into the night and there wasn't much that anyone could do to help me ease the intensity. I was so tired and I didn't know how I could continue to endure the contractions. I just wanted it to end. I was so mad that no one could help me. I looked at a sign I'd made that said “I will do what needs to be done” and I hated that sign. I hated that I had to do what needed to be done. The more I hated it, the worse the contractions hurt. I considered begging to be taken to the hospital for an epidural. However, I never verbalized that as I knew deep inside myself that wasn't really what I wanted. I knew my truth was that I had to go through it, I had to feel it, I had to find a way to surrender to what was before me.

Pam suggested that I get out of the tub and go take a shower, for a change of scenery. I didn't want to move or go anywhere but I trusted her advice and I knew I had to do something. Mangala Sadhu Sangeet went with me to the shower and helped me get in. Someone gave me a homeopathic remedy. I was taken immediately to my knees by a very intense contraction. I screamed out and writhed. I didn't know what to do. Mangala Sadhu Sangeet gave me some encouraging words and I was glad he was with me, grateful to not be totally alone. I began to pray. “Please, God, get me through this. You have to get me through this because I don't know how I can do this anymore.” I felt such huge despair and I knew my only hope was to trust that God would get me through it.

I stood up and got back to the birth tub as fast as I could before another contraction could hit. I had decided that I would stay in that tub until labor was done. I had this attitude of “I'm not getting out of this tub until there is a baby in my arms.” I felt resolution and resignation, both the understanding that I must give myself over the process and also the acceptance that there simply was no escaping it.

Once in the tub, I began to rotate my body in huge circles. I held the sides of the tub and moved as if drawing a circle around the perimeter of the tub with my sit bones. With each circling contraction came more noises – moans and groans and roars. Sometimes I felt like a lioness as these incredible sounds came out of me.


I was unaware that my hair had come down out of its bun and since it is thick and very long, I was dripping lots of water onto the floor. Nirmal and Mangala Sadhu Sangeet took turns attending to my hair – holding it while I circled, wringing it out into a bucket after contractions. I never even knew that was going on until they told me about it later. Apparently, if I ever birth again, I need to schedule a full time hair attendant.

Hope awoke in me when Nirmal scooped some bloody goop out of the tub and announced, “Here's your mucus plug!” That was a tangible sign of progress to me. I've never been so very pleased to see blood and mucus!

Soon I felt pressure come with a contraction and then Pop! I felt (and heard) its release. “What was that popping sound?” I asked, even though I knew what it was. It was, indeed, my water breaking. This was another encouraging sign!

Even as contractions continued and I was still circling and moaning, a stillness came. I rode a fine line between the most intense pain and the most intense comfort. Comfort isn't exactly the word but I'm not sure what is – when I truly surrendered and moved into the sensation, it was very rewarding and kind. But so close – right on the other side of that was the insane, mind-bending pain. The contractions began to take on personalities. I developed a relationship with the labor. I could recognize the wave of the contractions, know when it was peaking and stay just enough ahead that I wasn't drowning.

Then...I felt it. Something HUGE was descending. I reached inside and met it with my fingertips. “I feel the head,” I said. Pam asked me how far inside me it was and I showed her on my fingers. Everyone gathered closer in around me. Satvinder, who was sleeping in the other room, was awoken and brought in (though she was very grumpy and groggy.) Contractions demanded that I push.

I could not even comprehend how I could be feeling what I was feeling. It seemed like my lower body was going to turn inside out. “WHOA,” I said, “This is intense.” I was panting and saying “Oh, God.” The sensation was horrifying yet, again, I knew there was no escape. I was hearing encouragements to lean into it but ohhh...my body did not want to lean into it. I was physically backing away. Nirmal hopped into the tub behind me and supported my back. A freight train was roaring through my body – fast and big and OH MY GOD.

Mangala Sadhu Sangeet placed his hands on the baby's head as it began to emerge. “I can feel the little nose!” he told me. I knew that was a beautiful thing and I was glad. I was consumed and overwhelmed with the task at hand – getting the owner of that nose out of me. It happened fast – after about 10 minutes of pushing, at 1:35 am on December 2 – out came a baby! A baby! That's what all this was about!



Pam received and placed our baby on my chest. The baby cried a bit but was mostly calm and quiet. Joy overcame. I was stunned. “Oh my God! That's our baby!” I said again and again, “That's our baby!” I couldn't believe it was over, that I'd really done it, that our baby was in my arms.


It is such a crazy, surreal experience to have a human being come out of you. Even after all the months of pregnancy and then the laboring process, it is shocking when an actual person comes out of your body. I held this new little person and things were calm, still, peaceful. Eventually, we decided to see if the baby was a boy or a girl. Surprisingly, I was in no hurry to know. I felt the baby's body but it was hard to tell if I was feeling a boy or the umbilical cord. When we looked and found a girl, it was a surprise and a delight. She was beautiful and gentle and wonderful.


Selena handed the baby to Mangala Sadhu Sangeet and he held our baby girl as I birthed the placenta. Then we moved to the bedroom for nursing and resting, checking out the baby, and stitching me up (I tore quite a bit at the site of the episiotomy from our first birth.) Cheyanne made prints with the placenta and then Nirmal washed it left it for me in the kitchen (I later prepared it for encapsulation.) Baby girl and Satvinder both slept. I was helped with hair combing and showering. And there we were in our home – so cozy, so mellow, so sweet.





I prayed and prepared for several years for this baby and the experience of birthing at home. It changed my life and I think it will be a while before I know who I am, after this. As I write this, Sukhjot is a little over one month old - we are a little over a month old as a family of four. We are emerging in this new life and it is beautiful and amazing and blessed.

I give thanks to all who have offered their prayers, to the wonderful team who supported me during the process, to all who have assisted us postpartum, and, of course, to beautiful Sukhjot Kaur for coming to the planet.