Heavy and Light

In this time of feeling so much - very sensitive, very emotional, very alert - I am experiencing life on both ends of a spectrum: So much heaviness, so much light. But I can say, in honesty, that I can't really tell right now which of the things I feel are heavy and which are light. Life is just a jumbled mass of both intensities radiating out at once.

I have been feeling especially connected to family lately and thinking of my origins, my lineage. I prepare for the coming of our child, a new link in the chain. I consider the blood lines that make me who I am. I look at the shape of my mouth and know it came from Granny Wright, landed on me, and then to Satvinder. I think of the people who share family connection in this life - those who we are born through. Whether we see them or not, they are in us.

This week, my family in Texas will bury my Aunt Jeanine. She left her body a few days ago. The date of November 28 stuck out in my mind these previous months - I thought the baby might be born that day. It turns out, instead, that day was for the flip side of the coin. A departing, not a coming. The departure of someone who, even in times of heaviness, always seemed to bring some light through laughter.

You know how it is: weddings and funerals, when family all comes together, are never simple affairs. There are so many variations of what family is now - divorces, remarriage, old histories and wounds - in addition to the reunion and connection that comes with times of unions or losses. There is the emotion of the event itself plus all the other stuff that hangs just below the surface - the unspoken, the unresolved, the coming-out-sideways kinds of things. So, with sensitivity of all that is encompassed in these days ahead, I think of my family. I send love and prayers and even from afar, I feel it.

So I'm just walking around through the days, feeling it all. Feeling contractions and the changing of my body, wanting to let the new life come through. Feeling the roots, my tentacles reaching out to Texas, as goodbyes are said. There is so much in coming to human life and so much in leaving it. So much for everyone - because we are all interconnected.

This human life. It makes me want to weep. And it makes me want to sing.

Satvinder reading by the light of the tree

Happy Day of Thanks!

Happy Thanksgiving! Wishing everyone abundant gratitude for the blessings in life.
Making cookies before we went to the ashram community feast...

Midwife Visit

All is well and moving in the right direction.
Satvinder reading in the waiting room - I guess she wanted to be head down too.
Listening to the baby's heartbeat

Earth Blessing and Giving Thanks

On the day before Thanksgiving, Satvinder's school invites families to join the children for a meal and Native American Earth blessing ceremony. The ceremony includes drumming and dancing and honoring of the Sun and Earth and all directions. It is such a beautiful, heart centered experience and I so appreciate that we get to take part in it. Even when I'm not all full of pregnant emotion, it still makes me tear up.

Red Light! Green Light!

I'm a few days into this ongoing game of "Red Light! Green Light!" - the baby-having edition. That's how it goes sometimes - things start to look pretty convincingly like "This could be it! Get your duckies in a row!" and then...it all stops. Just stops. Oh, never mind. Just kidding! Hahaha!

That could be the way is it for days or weeks.

It is funny that at this time in pregnancy there is often a sense of "This is never going to end - I'm just going to be permanently pregnant." But they do eventually come out. One way or another it will happen some day. I know...

It is not that I feel in a hurry to do this. A few contractions last night were flavorful enough to leave me grateful to not be diving in quite yet. But I do feel like I've shifted from "blissfully pregnant" to "big task before me" and feeling that weight makes me a little bit antsy.

And so be it. Whatever it be.

Hugs from my girl

"Hmmm. So this isn't just a watermelon after all?"

Prefect

I love how much Satvinder loves the Harry Potter books. We are currently into book 5 - reading it as a family. Mostly Mangala Sadhu Sangeet Singh reads aloud because he gives all the characters their own voices, which makes it extra entertaining.

Today Satvinder made herself a "Prefect badge" - inspired by some of the characters in last night's read being made prefects at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Tonight she tried to tell me that the food she dropped on the floor actually disappeared due to magic. Alas, it is a hard to accept that we are a simple muggle family (not witches and wizards.)

38 Weeks

My plan with indications of upcoming labor was to ignore them as long as possible. Yeah. That was a ridiculous expectation. As if I can actually ignore things that indicate that labor is coming - every little thing is too exciting.

Yesterday I had some more signs of "labor is coming!" Of course, these are all things that could mean it is coming in one day or 3 weeks. For the most part, they came and went and today, I am left a little emotional and disappointed. I didn't mean to get into the mode of "waiting for something to happen." Yet, here I am...waiting despite my best efforts to go on with business as usual. My mind is dizzy with all the little loose ends - what do I need to wrap up "just in case".

So here we are - in this interesting zone - when life could change any day. Or not for a while. It is clear to me now that once covering the basics (sleep, food, hydration), it is time to seek out some good distractions.

My Kids Snuggling

Last night was a pizza-ordering, couch-snuggling, So You Think You Can Dance-watching, kind of night. Satvinder and I snuggled up on the couch. But I know who she was really snuggling with.

Birthday Walk

Today is Satvinder's sixth birthday. Birthdays at Satvinder's school are celebrated with a birthday walk for the child. The child has the opportunity to show and tell about a picture from each year of their life. Then for each year they hold a globe and walk around a lit candle (symbolizing the sun) while the class sings to them.

It is very sweet. And the picture sharing can be pretty amusing - because you just never know what a kid is going to decide to share publicly. I usually get teary at the birthday walk but this year, the tears I got were from laughter at the things Satvinder wanted to talk about. A couple of my favorite choices:

Age 1: Picture at Papago Park. What to share? Naturally, the part about how she used to call the mountains "Poop mountains because they look like a splat of poop." The funny part was that she whispered "poop".

Age 5: Picture of yoga at the ashram - photo by Kim Blake. What to share? "This was with Kim Blake. She has blue hair and she says she doesn't like kids. My mom thinks that is funny but I DON'T."

It is always fascinating to see what makes an impression and what comes to mind, when on the spot to share something. I shared on her "just born" picture - since, of course, she has no memory to share. What did I share? That she was born before the sun rose and that she was very pink - and that's how she got the nickname "Pinky".

Walking around "the sun"

Teacher Ninfa lead the class in singing Happy Birthday in Spanish. Satvinder loves Spanish with Ninfa.

Birthday Week

Happy Birthday today to Mangala Sadhu Sangeet Singh. Lots of love and appreciation for all people and circumstances that brought him to exist. It really is mind boggling to think about all the things that have to line up just so - to create a particular person to be exactly who they are. Miraculous. Amazing. I am giving thanks for those miracles.

And yesterday we had Satvinder's birthday party (though her bday is actually on Wednesday) - a witch and wizard themed gathering. She was very excited. It was pretty mellow for a kid's party. Good people and a good day.
Satvinder in her witch costume - ready for the party.

Giggling girls on the hammock (after some face painting had occurred.)

First Born

I was such a smart, pious, perfect parent - before I actually became one. I always knew I wanted to be a mother, I'd spent time taking care of children and I loved it, I'd read books, and I had really good lists of the "Right Things I Will Do" and "Wrong Things I Won't Do." That was before my Great Teacher, Satvinder, came and brought me to my knees.

When I was pregnant with Satvinder, I remember my midwife telling me, "First born children are brave souls." We were talking about how they pave the way with new parents. That sounded true. I liked thinking of this child as brave but I didn't really know what that meant. Not really. After Satvinder was born, it began to sink in more, as I reeled from the stunned realization of "I don't know what the eff I'm doing." I sat with my midwife, holding this beautiful, tiny creature that I was now responsible for. My mind had been blown to bits from the intensity of birth and all that came after. I'll say that again: My mind had been blown to bits. I looked at my midwife wide-eyed, emotional, and totally sleep-deprived and said, "I didn't know. I just didn't know it would be like this. I was so ignorant." My midwife kindly re-framed it and said, "You were innocent."

Now, in some hindsight, I have a different depth of understanding for both the strength of the first born and the profound innocence we bring to new parenthood. It is an ever evolving journey but wow - I am amazed when I look back and see how much we have all grown. The child grows so obviously in the care of the parents. But consider how much we grow in their presence. I have often felt regret and guilt because I wanted to be perfect for Satvinder. I wanted to know it all before I knew it. But life isn't like that. You don't know until you know. And parenthood is all about on the job training. Now I see how profoundly brave that first born soul is. They come to us in our innocence and as we fumble through, they teach us how to be a whole new kind of human, to feel love in a completely new way, to face our own reflection as our behaviors influence a new life. It takes some hard core strength to push through all the muck. That first born is a Teacher and also a Warrior.

I stand here now, looking over the cliff at a new sort of parenthood (new for me anyway.) I peek over the edge at "Two" and I know that I am innocent. And I know that I won't really understand the depth of what that means until I experience it. How beautiful are these souls that come and teach us, as we teach them. How beautiful is the humanity in our own perfect imperfection. Thank you to Satvinder, and those yet to come, for being brave enough to come to us in our innocence.

37 Weeks

The first time I remember feeling "God" was as a child - maybe 7 or 8 years old - when I was laying in bed one night. As I was waiting to fall asleep I decided to think of things I was grateful for and thank God for them. Since I was a kid, a lot of the thank you's were for things - various toys in my room - and people in my life. And at that time, I still thought of God as some authoritarian figure sitting on a throne in the clouds somewhere. It was like making a list - a mental activity - and then suddenly I felt something I had no words for, something that started a great change in my concept of God. An expansive feeling came over me. I felt light. I felt huge. I felt love and joy and perfect protection and peace. I didn't know what it was yet I knew what it was. To me, it was God and I cried from the beauty of It.

In recent years, that night time practice has returned to me - the giving thanks as I am in bed at night. But it comes now, not as a list or decision to say thank you. It more is something that just oozes out of me. Like a smile - it just comes. I am finding that the greatest joy in life unfolds out of gratitude. And there is just so much to be grateful for.

There are plenty of times that I am tired and I ache and my mind feels worried about what is to come - whatever chit chat of the monkey mind happens to be bubbling up in me or around me. But overwhelmingly, what I feel is gratitude for what is. When I can let go of fear of what could be, I realize how perfectly beautiful this moment is. In that, my heart is more full than I even knew could be possible.

These days my favorite, most joyful prayer doesn't ask for anything. It simply gives thanks for what is...right now.

Doing Stuff

Satvinder and I have been making flower hair decorations. She's into flowers for the hair right now.
Mangala Sadhu Sangeet was helping Satvinder learn biking balance by roller blading along with her. Today when I was working in the office at her school, I overheard Satvinder telling the other kids about it - she thought it was really hilarious. Her funny papa! I'm so grateful that our kids have such a wonderful father.

Karaoke Baby Shower

A few pictures from the baby shower. (More on Facebook) We had karaoke, food, and henna. It was a very sweet event!