Today is the day that I cut my hair. For the majority of American population, this is not a big deal. But in the Sikh community, it is a BIG deal. Hair – uncut hair – is one of the key identifying practices of Sikhs. Cutting your hair changes how you are viewed, perceived, related to, and accepted – whether you want it to or not. And, for me, arriving at this decision, has been a process of self exploration, identity crisis, and lots of really painful questions. It is just the beginning...I know.
Over the years, I have had plenty of experiences, myself, where I felt confused about how to interact with someone who was living as a Sikh but then later cut their hair. I understand the awkwardness in that – not knowing where they stand, why they did it. I often looked at people, in a weird kind of avoiding way, as if they had a large booger that I was trying not to see. I didn't know if I should acknowledge it or just act like nothing was different. So I know this experience and it is my hope that by being upfront about it myself, I can ease that discomfort for others. I say that, knowing full well that I have no control over what others think or feel.
I am not angry or resistant or rebellious towards the ways of Sikhism. Much of what has been true for me is still true. But the hair...the hair has not been true for me for while. The turban has not been true for me for a while. That is where I am at in life. I HAVE been angry and resistant and rebellious about accepting THAT. My mind has been a jumbled mess of duality for a while and now I am finally accepting that, for whatever reason, this is where I have been led. I have been brought to this point in my life where I must seek what is the truth of my being and not be afraid if that journey looks different that I anticipated.
I understand that some people will view this as stepping away from my spiritual path. The irony, for me, is that I actually feel like it is something I need to do to dive deeper into my spiritual path. I don't know where it is leading – and not that long ago, I would have been shocked if someone had told me that this is what I would do. But, for me, it an opening. It is an exploration. And it is ALL ABOUT my relationship with the Infinite. I wish I could explain more fully but when it comes to one's personal relationship with God, maybe there just aren't adequate words.
I am grateful to my husband, who has been so patient and accepting of me as I have navigated and vacillated and cried and fretted throughout this process. It is not what he expected either. But he has been a steady strength and flexible partner as life's waves move us every which way. And yes...this opens up lots of questions about how we raise our children. (Though children are individuals that have their own ideas about how they live anyway.)
If you have questions for me, you can ask. I will try to answer as honestly and openly as I can. Sometimes I don't know the answers. But I want you to know that you can talk to me about this if you want.
So. There you have it. With love, devotion, and an open, seeking heart...I take a step into the unknown.
Update, this evening:
Wow. So I did, indeed, do it. I'm a little freaked out. But it is ok. My friend, Nirmal, went with me and took pictures. This is going to take some getting used to.
Arriving at the hair cutting place
Sitting in the chair. 
The cutting of the braid: this the portion I am donating to Locks of Love, an organization that provides wigs to children who have lost their hair for medical reasons.
The braid off...kind of a lot for me to process. Right now (as I type this) the braid is sitting on my desk. I have a hard time looking at it. It is intense.
Cutting the rest of the hair - still a lot left, by typical standards.
Finishing it up...
And there you have it. That's me. Yeah. Like I said, gonna take some getting used to.
15 comments:
Thanks for sharing this.
I did not cut my hair except for very occasional trimming of tips a couple of times in 10 years before I met the SSS. I just naturally did not feel that I ever wanted to touch it. And just a couple of month of meeting him I chopped it all off to the ears, and I had a plan to cut it even shorter if the guy doing it for me did not warn me that I may seriously regret it in the morning. It felt, free... great and liberating. I kept looking in the mirror for days not quite recognizing the person that was looking back at me, then hiding my face in the pillow thinking .... Ohhh my God, what did I do ???...but it was equally just as exciting and almost life changing. It took a while to get used to it, but I noticed that with hair I cut away something else. It was like getting rid of all the things that passed, starting a new slate in life. Cutting away old memories, experiences to make room for new ones. Short hair gave me the flexibility to do things with it and see myself in very different ways. Almost like having an opportunity to reinvent yourself every day just a little bit. It no longer felt sad ... it looked happy and cheerful and not so serious and I loved it.
Of course when I met the SSS I decided to grow it back again and haven't questioned it yet. Maybe I will question it in the future and maybe I won't but I don't relate to covering my hair with a turban as much as other people do. (Though I know plenty of people who are just doing it to fit in, and hate every minute of it of every day) I ware my white formal turban mostly on Sundays and special occasions out of respect and the rest of the time anything goes. I think that if you have a strong connection to your spiritual source the rest of the stuff is just perefinalia (sp?). Your inner connection or inner life does not always need to be for show on the outside. It might as well be very personal and private, there is something very humble about that too.
I've been living in Espanola for seven years now and I've seen all sorts of merciless, angriest, nastiest judgment of people who are brave enough just to be themselves and to declare themselves as individuals and not confirm with the "norm". Most of them did not survive for long and moved out. Sadly even if you confirm with the norm just to fit in there are people here who will quietly wait for you to quit just so they could say in the end ..."see, she was never made for it, she was never of the cloth ... it was always just a matter of time" Who are they to even know which cloth you are made off?
We all have to live our truth regardless of what other people wish for us and if this is your truth and GOOD FOR YOU. Enjoy your new look and go to sleep happy.
Have a wonderful rest of your weekend.
Dhanwant
Wow. Wow. Wow. You are an inspiration. Your quest in seeking the infite is inspirational. You inspire me to continue to believe in my own strength, and to trust the infinite within me. I am going through such radical changes in my own life... and the changes are constantly changing! So, I thank you... I thank you for being you, and I am grateful to be a witness of such beauty unfolding. Love to you, Kewal.
And your hair looks BEAUTIFUL! You glow. You really do.
WOOHOO!
you are radiant!
Hubba hubba! You are gorgeous, with or without a turbon.
And for me, living in the flow of being a new mother, meant chopping off my hair. It felt wonderful, like a rebirth of myself. Congratulations!
Hi Kewal, Thanks for posting this. I went through a similar process before I decided to cut my hair. I even took pictures and sent the hair to locks of love :) Mostly I have experienced that people in our community either didn't know, didn't care or just ignored it (to my face at least). Part of me was sad that this was how I had to grow, but another part of me was relieved and happy that I was taking a big step forward in my life. A SSS quote that hit home for me during that point was "you are a spiritual being having a human experience" and thats what I am trying to do. So anyway thanks for sharing your experience so well and helping remember mine. Hug!
Sat Nam Kaur
Oh my gosh - you look so completely beautiful. I bet you felt a physical weight come off...there is a lot of history in hair :)
You are brave! Bravo!
xo
Kewal, more my sister than my aunt. I applaude your inner strength. It takes a lot of courage to go against the society you are living in. I really thought I would shave my head and stop shaving my legs when I joined the Peace Corps to show my dedication to not concentrating on the physical/non-materialism, etc, but while other girls did this or cut their hair really short, I found out that wasn't a part of me. I've been alone for two years, but kept shaving for myself-because I like the feeling. And my hair, I like it long, so I've let it stay. There are other ways to show solidarity than the physical. Some people that left early (got fired or quit) even got tattoos with their African names or UBUNTU (sharing, I am because of you philosophy). Funny, the people still here don't have a single tattoo....so...your relationship with the infinite shouldn't look like anyone else's. We've all lived different lives, so how can someone say how I should live my life. You are courageous and beautiful and I give big ups to Mangala Sadhu Sangeet for being cool about it. You are so much more than your hair.
kewal you look beautiful in your haircut picture! i really loved reading your thoughtful explanation of hair and its meaning and your journey to cutting it. there is an essay by michele morano about hair cutting! it's in her book Grammar Lessons. in it, she talks a lot about hair and the sorts of representations/meanings (though not necessarily spiritual) associated with hair. she also talks about virginia woolf's essay about hair cutting...it's been on my mind lately.
Look at those lovely curls! You are so beautiful, inside and out. :)
Hey Kewal, Big hugs to you. Totally relate to the thought process that you went through in preparing to make that decision, it was a huge one for me as well. I think because it does feel very symbolic, but that is also one of the reasons I needed to cut it: keeping it had also become just a symbol to me, a symbol that I could hide behind. I remember when I was a pre-teen I had approached my dad about cutting my hair. He had asked why I wanted to do it and I had said that I was tired of sticking out in a crowd, Halloween costumes as a girl or Native American, etc. He said that he was fine with it if I was doing it for myself, but not if I was doing it for others. Made sense at the time and made sense later in life when I did cut it. This is because at that time, I was keeping it only for others, namely the Sikh Sangat. I thought that it would be a pretty big deal when I did it, but it wasn't. Maybe some people turned their backs on me, but no one that I cared about did.
Love to you, Prab
Wow Kewal! You are definitely not the same young woman I meet 9 years ago in Texas... what a beautiful evolution!
What you wrote is beautiful and I thank you for sharing. What an amazing story and the photos offer a great visual of what you experienced. Life, spirituality, and our relationship with the infinite is an amazing journey and few people are able to articlate that process as you did. You are very courageous and your candid thoughts are a blessing to those that look up to you and have gratitude for you. I will never forget how you touched my life, the opportunity and insight that you shared- among other things. Thank you for being you and for all that you do for everyone that crosses your path. And you are amazing with or without a turbin. Sat Nam! Dhyan Kaur
What you wrote is beautiful and I thank you for sharing. The photos offer a good visual for what you experienced. Life, spirituality, and our relationship with the infinite is an amazing journey and few people are able to articlate that process as you did. You are very courageous and your candid thoughts are a blessing to those that look up to you and have gratitude for you. I will never forget how you touched my life, the opportunity and insight that you shared- among other things. Thank you for being you and for all that you do for everyone that crosses your path. And you are amazing with or without a turbin. Sat Nam! Dhyan Kaur
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