The baby and I took a nice walk around the neighborhood - my first time since birth to take a decent length walk at a regular pace without any hurting from stitches! Oh the joy! I felt kind of like I was walking around drunk or not really in the world. It always feels a little weird to be out in the world when you've been removed from the outside for a while.
I thought about this transition. In pregnancy, you are so ripe and full - almost like a planet unto yourself. Then in birth, so much leaves in a big whoosh! The baby, the placenta, the amniotic fluid, blood - it all leaves so fast. And postpartum it is more leaving, more moving through the body that once was so full. It is a big adjustment to go from that to this body that is constantly leaking (physically, emotionally, and energetically), constantly putting out while retaining very little. Sleep leaves. The outside world leaves. Contact with other people leaves. And then you have to rediscover yourself and see who you are now - what is left? Who is left when so much has gone?
I always say that giving birth not only births a baby but it also births a new mother. And here I am living it. You are a different person after birth. And the process of discovery is in getting to know the baby and also in getting to know who you are now.
I feel like I processed a lot on the walk today as I mulled these things over. I feel like I acknowledged the loss and that made it much more possible to relax into the blessings of our new life. Me and Sukhjot - we shared lots of smiles today. And we were together, both new. It is a beautiful thing.
Soon Satvinder will be home from her busy day - including school, a field trip to the ballet, and an after school play date with a friend. I'll be so happy to see her.
Thank you, God, for my girls who teach me so much about life and love.
Sukhjot naked and adorable on her changing table. The sign above is one I made (and used) for labor but I am finding it to apply now too. "I will do what needs to be done."
Us
2 comments:
"Who is left when so much has gone?"
Taking the full from the full only the full remains. Om Peace peace peace!
"om purnamadah purnamidam purnat purnamudacyate purnasya purnamadaya purnameva vashisyate
Om shantih shantih shantih"
You are still ripe and full. Of motherhood, of family life, of the love of daughters, husband, friends.
You look so amazing. Reading your posts are helping me remember those first few weeks and the full spectrum of intensity that they bring. But you are moving through it with another at your side, your sweet Satvinder. I am taking notes just in case one of these days (or nights) I change my mind.
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