Day 12

When I was in the transition part of labor - where you feel there is no way you can do it anymore, things are crazy intense and out of control, and it is just the grace of God that you carry on somehow - it was suggested that I get out of the birth tub and go for a change of scenery to the shower. I didn't want to but I did and once there, I had to face the dark time. Contractions amped way up and I didn't know how to cope. I'd been using sounds - moans, groans, roars of all varieties for hours and that had really helped me - but when I got in the shower, it was so hard that my sounds became more like cries of panic. I writhed and screamed out. My husband was there and he gave some words of encouragement - I don't know what he said but I do know it meant a lot to have him with me. I began to pray. I prayed hard. Please God, get me through this. I don't know how to do it anymore. You have to get me through. Please help me.

Then I stood up resolutely and walked back to the birth tub. I couldn't think about what was yet to come, how much more might hit me, or how I was going to do it. I knew I just had to get in that tub and surrender. So I did - and one contraction at a time, we moved through it and we had a baby.

I find myself now, having postpartum transition - again in the shower - each day. I get up and am so tired after another sleep deprived night. Even with our best efforts at permitting sleep, there just isn't enough sleep for me. That's often just the way it is when you are breastfeeding a baby. So, anyways, I get up and I don't know how I'm going to get through another day. By the time I get into the shower, I am crying again and I face the overwhelm and the sadness that comes with a sleep deprived mind. Then I step out resolutely and tell myself that I don't have to know how to do anything. All I have to do is face whatever is in front of me right now. Comfort the crying baby. Change the diaper. Comb Satvinder's hair. Whatever. That's all. Just this moment. And one day...some day...I will sleep again.

On another note: The contented noises that a baby makes while nursing is just priceless.


I planned to comfort the baby only by in-arms methods. But as it turns out, sometimes this bouncy chair is the only thing that works. Thank God for the bouncy chair.
Pitaji and Pinky coloring. It is nice to have Satvinder home from school over the weekend. I'm looking forward to the holiday break when we will have her with us all day, every day.