Gratitude Day 39

In all appreciation and acknowledgement for the many, many blessings in my life, I must say that I am grateful to be reaching the end of 2012, which has been full of growth and wonderful things and quite challenging and painful.  It definitely has a feel of "Whew!  I made it! I survived this year. So...uh, now what?"

I am always grateful for these monthly Powerpath posts that seem to be spot on for what I am experiencing, grateful for the confirmation and words for things I often can't explain myself.  Grateful for new things to come.  Grateful for the ways my heart is opening, ways that I never could have foreseen before this year.

Grateful for being able to mother and learn from these two amazing girls.  Grateful for the many inspiring people I encounter in life - many of which keep up and carry on with strength and grace through much harder struggles that I have ever had to face.  Grateful for community and support that comes in countless forms.  Grateful for each moment of seeing beauty and wonder in the world - in the clouds and in the trees and in the children and in smiles of strangers.

Life is beautiful and intense and crazy.  And I am grateful - really very grateful - to experience it and see where it takes us all next.

Love and blessings and happy new year wishes!

Gratitude Days 36, 37, & 38

These past three days have been so similar that they are almost like one long day.  Suky is still fighting a cold so we've been home a lot.  Grateful for warmth, rest, the ability to stay home.  Grateful that our dealing with sickness is only as bad as a little cold, when I know people whose families are dealing with so much more.  Grateful for practices that bring me peace in the midst of a world that is sometimes overwhelming.  Grateful for this time to slow down, to keep it simple, and to do some foundational work.

Today I also finished my last day of work with my 'work from home' job, which was marketing related.  I am feeling grateful that I had that job for the time that I did.  It came to me kind of out of the blue, was incredibly flexible, and I learned and experienced new things from it and got to work with a friend in Austin.  It ended today and I know that it is because it is time for all involved to move onto other things.  But I am grateful that it happened and grateful to watch what is meant to unfold from here.

I am grateful also for things that move me - even small things that ignite interest or passion or motivation in me.  I am grateful for inspiration in its many forms, big or small.

Gratitude Day 35

A few things I am grateful for today:

• Sense of humor
• Walking outside and feeling the sunshine, even if briefly
• Hugging my children
• Not having to know the answers
• Chocolate
• Clean clothes and machines that make them so
• The Earth we live on
• A feeling of steady progress, daily small steps that feel good in my heart
• Community
• Meditation
• Fruits and the fact that the toddler will eat them
• People that teach us about love

Gratitude Day 34

It has been nagging me for a while and I wasn't sure what to do about it.  The need for retreat, for self renewal, for time and space to just be with myself and my family and adjust...it has been tugging at my sleeve for weeks saying, "Look at me.  Look at me."  But I didn't know what to do about it and being busy had its reward in the way of distraction.

So I prayed about it a lot.  Asked for clarity and for guidance, asked to somehow awaken in the morning and have some clue as to how to get the time I need.  And today I finally woke up and knew.

I am in the last week of work for one job, the one that is ending.  And, with the clarity of this morning, I requested a 40 day leave of absence from my other job, the midwifery job, which was quite hard to do.  This means I will miss the births of several women and I hate that.  It is really sad to me.  But the need for adjustment time is so huge and overwhelming that I couldn't put it off.

Part of me says it is flaky and lazy and perhaps even indulgent for a person in my position and that I should just push through.  But when I am in faith, I don't really believe that. I believe I am supported to do what I need to do, and that inner work is just as valid and important as outer work. So, in spite of the sometimes harsh words that play my head,  I am doing it anyway.  I'm doing it anyway because I feel like I have to for my own peace and well being, and for the benefit of my family, who depends on me.

I am grateful that my life and the people in it are incredibly supportive and flexible and generous with me, grateful that I somehow am even able to do such a thing as take a leave of absence.  I am grateful that I finally listened to the truth of what I need, accepted it, and took steps to make it happen.  I am grateful that I have this time and space to do the internal work I need to do, to bring the focus home, and to settle into the changes life is requesting of me.  I am so blessed and I will do my best to make the most of this time.

Gratitude Days 32 and 33

Day 32
Grateful for the sweet visit to Flagstaff, easy travel, and time and space to rest as Suky and I have both been fighting a cold since we got home.  Grateful for herbs and warmth and again, for my flannel sheets. Grateful for this time to just retreat from the world for a bit.  Grateful for a fridge full of food.

Day 33
I wasn't sure how this Christmas would be and I didn't hold a whole lot of expectation in my mind.  We aren't with any additional family, Suky and I are kind of sick, there's the ever-present awareness and uncertainty of the changes our family is going through, and I tend to go fairly light on the presents. (I love giving presents but dumping a bunch of money and resources on a huge pile of stuff generally feels wasteful and unnecessary to me.) I wondered if the kids - Satvinder in particular - might be disappointed.

But you know what?  It has been quite sweet and exactly the kind of low key Christmas that we needed.  The kids have enjoyed it and so have I.  Satvinder actually said, "This is the best Christmas ever!"

I am grateful for seeing how the dropping of expectations can open me up to simply enjoy what is.  I am grateful for this day and our family and the several kind neighbors who dropped by to deliver treats.  I am grateful for board games, seeing/hearing the children laugh, and the freedom to be in pajamas for half the day.  I am grateful for healthy food and peaceful feelings and the reminder of heart centered living that this time of year inspires in so many.  My heart feels good and I am grateful.

Gratitude Day 31

Gratitude Day 30

Today the girls and I are going to Flagstaff for a visit with their Dadaji and Naniji. The girls are so excited and Suky is already wearing her hat, mittens, and snow boots (and we aren't leaving for a few hours still.) I am grateful for family, for the joy and excitement of children, and for the many tools and practices I have that help me stay connected with the truth of my heart. I am grateful that when I ask for help, it comes.  I am grateful that we are blessed by so many good people and so many sweet moments.

Life has been teaching me a lot lately.  There is much opportunity to watch my reactions and emotional weather, to experience it all, to reflect on life, and to invite change in myself where needed.  In fact, I feel like divorce is one of the most powerful and concentrated experiences for personal growth that I have experienced.  It is incredibly painful sometimes but I cannot deny that the process has been transformational already.

One of the big lessons I have become more clear on is that I don't have to take things personally.  That is a logical concept but it isn't always easy to live it.  It is amazing to watch how many painful reactions spring out of the fear that what is happening somehow means that I am unlovable or I suck or whatever the mental chatter happens to be. The divorce process gives me lots of opportunity to explore that one!  It can feel like a really enormous rejection.   But what I am finally grasping is that it really isn't about me.

Sometimes life is hard and we all have our journeys. We see life through the lens of our own individual mind. And we do what we can with whatever our experience is.  It is so freeing and healing to let go of the belief that another person's choices means something about my worth.  Letting that go dissipates so much fear and allows me to be more neutral about their choices.  And it allows me to be more in love, which is the state I want to be in.

So that's a start and I am really, really grateful for every bit of letting go.