Comfortably Uncomfortable

I have often wondered why we have to eat three meals a day, why we can't just be like snakes and stock up at one big meal and be done with it.  After all, it is inconvenient and inefficient to have to deal with food several times a day.  Wouldn't it be nice to just indulge in a huge, yummy meal and then not have to think about it for a while?

Well, I am, at this moment, coming to appreciate the various repetitive touchstones we have in life - the things that we come back to again and again, the things that are known and expected.  Meals.  Seasons.  The sun rises and sets.  The cycles of the moon.  The cycles of our bodies.  Maybe we need these predictable, ever-returning experiences to keep us from going insane in the otherwise constantly shifting life.  These things, in their own way, give us something to hold onto.

My life right now feels way more chaotic than it actually is.  I understand this logically.  But emotionally, I feel like I am constantly being pushed beyond my comfort zone in a multitude of ways.  This is a good thing, I believe, something I've asked for and wanted.  But it just is...rather uncomfortable.  Imagine that.

At the same time, I also am feeling deeply satisfied in a way that defies logic.  Life is pushing.  And life is pulsing. So much.  So fast.  Things are happening way faster than I expected.  And more and more, those little things that bring me home are really important and helpful.

I've gotten lazy about taking real pictures.  My phone is just so easy that I end up taking most of our pictures that way.  They aren't the greatest photos.  However, earlier this month, our friend, Leita, took some pictures on a really sweet and fun day that our families got together.  I'll share those since they are way prettier than the fuzzy phone pictures I've been taking. (Thanks, Leita.)

Family pool picture: We all enjoyed the refreshing water but Suky...she was overcome with joy about the experience.  Even looking at the pictures as I post them now, she lights up at the memory and says, "I was swimming!"  (She's not actually swimming yet.  But that didn't stop her from jumping in repeatedly.)

Leita's daughters, Maria & Greta, were so sweet with Suky.  Sometimes, being a little one, she is left out of play or just treated like a baby.  But these two scooped her right up into their play and they had a great time.  Here there were doing her hair:

Satvinder is into making faces for any picture that she notices is being taken.  She's been busy all summer with camp activities that she's really enjoyed.  I'm glad to say that her smiles have been frequent lately:

Yes. Yes!

In the last week or so, I finally stopped my floundering and said yes.  Whew!  I am now assisting an amazing midwife friend, Nirmal,  at A Midwife's Kaleidoscope.  It was so hard for me to make the decision take that step but as soon as I did, I started to feel so much joy and relief.  I actually didn't see that coming - it really has taken me by surprise.  I knew I loved birth and pregnancy and serving families - but I expected it to feel more taxing to take on something like this.  I struggle with overwhelm and exhaustion already and I was afraid it would be too much for me, for my family.  You know, I don't really feel drawn to making life harder. Granted this is only the beginning - but since saying yes and moving towards this, I have had more energy and enthusiasm, even for things not related to midwifery.  My heart has been happy and that makes life, in general, feel much better.  I have no idea where I am headed with this.  It feels like I've gotten on some kind of crazy ride and I'm just going to have to see where it goes.  Loops and bumps and all, I'm on it.  At least I am not standing frozen on the sidelines anymore.

Early this morning was the first birth, which was beautiful and precious and makes it all feel official to me.  This is a whole different role and focus than I experienced as a doula.  It is an impressively orchestrated flow of care, centered around the mother and baby's process.  That's one of the things I love about midwifery care - mother and baby don't have to just fit into what works for the care providers; the care providers work in, with, and around whatever mom and baby are naturally doing. In the dark.  In the water.  In whatever the situation is. There are so many details that I never noticed before.  Now that I have (just this once, so far) actually participated in this side of things, I am even more amazed at all that midwives do with only two arms. Sometimes it really requires multi tasking to the max.  I found myself wishing I could sprout at least two more arms and I was only assisting.  I am so lucky to have a patient, calm, kind teacher as I learn my way around.

So this step also means that, for now, I don't anticipate us moving anywhere anytime soon.  The forest and the ocean and green, lush places still call out.  Being with family is a longing that doesn't go away.  But this is what is happening.  Moment by moment.  Day by day.  That is all I know.  Even with all the unknowns, my heart is spilling over with a happiness that I almost can't explain. There is also some terror (not about birth - just about my own journey with this.)  But mostly it is a crazy, overflowing delight that has swept me up faster than I knew what hit me.

Wee Wii!

Today, this is what Sukjot picked out to wear to school: a swimsuit and snow boots (on the wrong feet.)

 I started to insist that she wear clothes but then, as I was chasing her around the house while she shouted, "NO! I want swim soup" (not a typo- that's what she calls it,) I figured eh, who cares?  Does it really matter if a two year old wears her swimsuit to school instead of clothes?  No, it doesn't.

And it made her happy so there you go.

And here's a blurry picture of a scene I walked in on at a friend's house: Satvinder meditating to try to win a Wii game.  When I entered the room, she was sitting in easy pose, hands in gyan mudra, chanting a mantra from a meditation that we did together recently.  The aim of the game is to prove how balanced or calm you are or something.  It was immensely pleasing to me to see that those were the tools Satvinder pulled out to win at calm.

You just never know what a child has absorbed or what skills they have at the ready - until a critical moment arrives.  Something like winning at Wii.  That's when you know that your efforts have paid off.  You child can do it.  They can win at Wii!

Bus Monitor Inspired Ponderings

This story about the bus monitor who was taunted and verbally assaulted by middle school kids has really been eating at me.  It is emotional for many reasons.  Obviously, if you watch the video, the way those kids attacked her is horrifying.  It stirs up all kinds of things: anger at the kids, sadness for the woman, memories of middle school and the often brutal things that happen among that age group.  It also has that silver lining of showing the good in people: donations have been collected for this woman - over $500,000 has come in from people who wanted to show her support and kindness.  That's pretty great.

But there's more.  I am also being struck by other ways people are responding to this story.  Lots of people are talking about it and a common response I keep seeing is the suggestion that these kids should be spanked.  That's just blowing my mind.  Really?  To teach kids how to be nice to people we should...hit them?  Really?

Well, I obviously don't agree with that suggestion.  I would actually assume that these children, who have so little respect and concern for another human being, have been berated and/or hit themselves.  I remember middle school.  This kind of crap happened all the time. And the people doing it aren't doing it because they didn't get beaten enough.

As a parent, this story brings up lots of questions about how we raise our children.  How can I foster compassion and kindness in my kids?  How can I help them feel secure enough in themselves to speak up against this kind of treatment if they do see it?  I feel like we are always working on issues of manners and respect in our household - and you know, it isn't easy.  There are no firm and solid paths for parenting.  We do the best we can.  But this story does imprint on me a reminder of why it matters.

I can remember, as a middle school student, the way that kids berated each other.  The school I attended had an abundance of spoiled, upper middle class kids who placed tremendous importance on clothing brands and other indications of money.  I felt those pressures big time and in those years, I obsessed on what I wore, trying to fit the image.  I remember one girl, who clearly didn't have the means to afford that kind of wardrobe, was a frequent target of mean words and insults.  Mostly people just talked about her - usually not saying it to her face - and I am pretty sure I did not speak up during those times.  I just waited timidly for it to be over and move on to another topic.  At that age, you want to fit in so badly and anything going against that feels like a big risk. But one time I was working on a project with somebody who started to lay in on the girl directly, calling her poor and dirty and smelly. Ugh.  It was disgusting.  Even thinking of it now, I hate that it happened. I remember that internal struggle within myself - being heart broken for the girl but also being terrified of saying something to the mean speaker.  But I couldn't be silent with that. I think I said something simple like "Stop.  Leave her alone."  No big impressive words or anything - but I remember how my heart pounded in my chest just saying that.

Another time, there was a boy who insulted me and my friend every day.  Our desks were together in a grouping of four and we had to sit right next to him every single day.  Now I can't remember what exactly he said to us.  I just remember the dread I felt every day, going to that class.  I even faked being sick a few days so I could stay home at one point.  I remember one day, after evaluating the situation and I think I talked to my dad about it, I had some things to respond with.  He started in on me and I said, "You must have really low self esteem.  Otherwise you wouldn't have to make other people feel bad just to make yourself feel better."  Those words were probably pretty accurate but it is not exactly a cool thing to say, as a middle school kid.  Telling people they have "low self esteem?"  Yeah, that's pretty nerdy.  The kid laughed his head off at me.  But you know what?  He also stopped bothering us so much.

So all this has me wondering how it is that we raise kids who, at that age, can handle the pressures and still make kind and compassionate decisions.  Because I was taught to be kind and respectful and, even knowing those things, it was intensely difficult to find my voice and use it appropriately. (I'm still trying to figure it out, actually.) Maybe that is the key piece though.  Not just teaching kids kindness - but teaching them how to address situations when others are not kind.  Lots to ponder.

But the one thing out of all of this I feel quite sure about...the answer isn't hitting people.

Short Film, A Seizure

I used to have grand mal seizures.  It is a really crazy, painful, and scary experience - and one that is impossible to explain.  I saw this short film (about 7 minutes) yesterday that was made in an attempt to convey the experience of a seizure and I thought it was really well done.  I watched it twice and cried both times.  I really appreciate their effort at sharing it.

Thankfully, I haven't had a grand mal in 17 years. While I do still have ongoing seizure activity, I don't have the type of seizure shown in the film anymore.  I don't lose consciousness and for the most part, no one would even know it is happening by looking at me. My heart goes out to those who continue to go through these big ones.

Watch the short film, A Seizure.

P.S. I don't remember ever having pretty visuals during seizures, like the film shows.  Missed out on that one.

P.P.S. I did, however, share the experience of being freaked out by the thing stuck in my arm and the strange beings holding me down after a big seizure when I was 17.  I actually pulled an IV out of my arm and fought and tried to run away  - which resulted in me bleeding and being strapped down so I couldn't fight them.  I found it interesting to see that particular aspect addressed in the film. 

Bath Laugh

Yes. No. Maybe. (Repeat)

My dear friend, Nirmal, says that sometimes, like it or not, Phoenix claims you.  Then, no matter how hard you try to escape, you are somehow bound to Phoenix and it never quite works out to leave.  I wonder if this is our situation.

I've been wanting to leave Phoenix essentially since we got here, almost eight years ago.  Why?  Because it is insanely hot and ridiculously dry and I think I'm allergic to it.  It doesn't have any personality.  It feels empty and soul-less to me. We are confined to indoors here and are starved for nature.  It does not feel like a place that humans should live. Yet, here we are.

So what keeps us here? The two things Phoenix has going for it are 1)People that are fantastic and 2)Familiar things - I know where to buy groceries and send my kids to school.  As much as I long for a shift in life, I like roots.  I attach to familiarity.  I say I like change - but truthfully, I only like it in small, controllable doses.  Otherwise it is just chaos.

And then there is this other thing: For years now, if someone asked me what I would do if I could pursue any   "job," I would say midwifery and writing.  Those were my two things.  So, writing - I'm working on that one.  Midwifery - for years, I have taken steps towards it and then quickly stepped away.  But right now, I have pretty much the ideal opportunity for exploring midwifery.  The previously mentioned dear friend, Nirmal, just got her midwifery license and offered me the paid position of being her midwife assistant.  That means I'd get to learn midwifery in a paid position (which is unheard of, really)  and I'd get to work with one of my favorite people on the planet.  And she has bent over backwards to offer me ways to make it doable.  Seriously, if I could have outlined the very best and most wonderful way I could imagine to start learning and experiencing midwifery, this situation would be it - plus some other great stuff I wouldn't have even thought to ask for.  And that's in Phoenix.

Even with the amazing perfection of that job opportunity, I have said no repeatedly (only to then come back and say, "Well, maybeeee.  I reeeeeally want to.  But I can't. Oh, maybe I can.  No...yes...no...maybe...")  Nirmal has been tolerant and understanding of all this back and forth (which I've actually be doing for months.)  I am driving myself crazy - I don't know how those around me are handling it so well.

There are a whole bunch of things that keep me going back and forth on the midwifery issue - most are emotional and specific to my own crazy head.  It is funny when you ask for something and then freak out when you get it, isn't it?   It really is a hard decision though.  In addition to my own emotions and fear about it, it impacts my family hugely.  And doing it would further root us to Phoenix.

Last month we made another trip to Seattle and Good God, I think Seattle is trying to seduce us into living there.  Every single day we've spent there has been gorgeous.  We have never once seen it rain.  It is all sun and breeze and green, lush beauty overflowing all over the place.  I know that weather is not typical of that area but it is all I have experienced.  And since we got home, I have searched the rental listing every day, trying to find a house in Seattle.  No luck.  Rent houses are garbage.  And expensive.

I've looked in other areas too: Austin, Eugene, Portland, NorCal.  I've even, in desperation, asked the people of Facebook to tell me where they think I should live!  (There were lots of great suggestions, which just made me want to live all over the place and/or learn teleportation.)

Ultimately, I believe decisions should be felt with the heart.  But my heart wants so many things - and they don't all fit in the same place. So, for now, we continue to sit in the hot hot heat of Phoenix, un-moving - yet also not quite embracing the opportunity that is here.

Temp today