In the last week or so, I finally stopped my floundering and said yes. Whew! I am now assisting an amazing midwife friend, Nirmal, at A Midwife's Kaleidoscope. It was so hard for me to make the decision take that step but as soon as I did, I started to feel so much joy and relief. I actually didn't see that coming - it really has taken me by surprise. I knew I loved birth and pregnancy and serving families - but I expected it to feel more taxing to take on something like this. I struggle with overwhelm and exhaustion already and I was afraid it would be too much for me, for my family. You know, I don't really feel drawn to making life harder. Granted this is only the beginning - but since saying yes and moving towards this, I have had more energy and enthusiasm, even for things not related to midwifery. My heart has been happy and that makes life, in general, feel much better. I have no idea where I am headed with this. It feels like I've gotten on some kind of crazy ride and I'm just going to have to see where it goes. Loops and bumps and all, I'm on it. At least I am not standing frozen on the sidelines anymore.
Early this morning was the first birth, which was beautiful and precious and makes it all feel official to me. This is a whole different role and focus than I experienced as a doula. It is an impressively orchestrated flow of care, centered around the mother and baby's process. That's one of the things I love about midwifery care - mother and baby don't have to just fit into what works for the care providers; the care providers work in, with, and around whatever mom and baby are naturally doing. In the dark. In the water. In whatever the situation is. There are so many details that I never noticed before. Now that I have (just this once, so far) actually participated in this side of things, I am even more amazed at all that midwives do with only two arms. Sometimes it really requires multi tasking to the max. I found myself wishing I could sprout at least two more arms and I was only assisting. I am so lucky to have a patient, calm, kind teacher as I learn my way around.
So this step also means that, for now, I don't anticipate us moving anywhere anytime soon. The forest and the ocean and green, lush places still call out. Being with family is a longing that doesn't go away. But this is what is happening. Moment by moment. Day by day. That is all I know. Even with all the unknowns, my heart is spilling over with a happiness that I almost can't explain. There is also some terror (not about birth - just about my own journey with this.) But mostly it is a crazy, overflowing delight that has swept me up faster than I knew what hit me.
Early this morning was the first birth, which was beautiful and precious and makes it all feel official to me. This is a whole different role and focus than I experienced as a doula. It is an impressively orchestrated flow of care, centered around the mother and baby's process. That's one of the things I love about midwifery care - mother and baby don't have to just fit into what works for the care providers; the care providers work in, with, and around whatever mom and baby are naturally doing. In the dark. In the water. In whatever the situation is. There are so many details that I never noticed before. Now that I have (just this once, so far) actually participated in this side of things, I am even more amazed at all that midwives do with only two arms. Sometimes it really requires multi tasking to the max. I found myself wishing I could sprout at least two more arms and I was only assisting. I am so lucky to have a patient, calm, kind teacher as I learn my way around.
So this step also means that, for now, I don't anticipate us moving anywhere anytime soon. The forest and the ocean and green, lush places still call out. Being with family is a longing that doesn't go away. But this is what is happening. Moment by moment. Day by day. That is all I know. Even with all the unknowns, my heart is spilling over with a happiness that I almost can't explain. There is also some terror (not about birth - just about my own journey with this.) But mostly it is a crazy, overflowing delight that has swept me up faster than I knew what hit me.
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