One of the most striking experiences in watching births is seeing women face the rawest, most primal intensity, thinking speaking crying screaming that they can't possibly do the task that is unfolding through them. There can be an itchy, achy, yearning feeling as a witness to want to save her, to want to rescue her from that experience. But birth teaches me to be with it, to be with them, to lend what comfort I have to offer, and then to simply watch as they proceed to do the very thing that they thought they could not.
It is magic. It is transformation. It is amazing empowerment.
I find myself, in my own little way, in an experience that, to me, resembles birth. Well, not surprisingly, it is birth and death all mixed up at the same time. That's kind of the way it goes. And I know that I, too, do not need to be rescued.
It is interesting to see the ways that life shakes us up, tests our attachments, and forces us to move into something new and unknown. I see it happening with many people these days. We are being asked to trust and move forward into something very much unknown.
For me, that is showing up as a divorce, the ending of my 11 year marriage. And then I found out I was also losing one of my jobs (the main source of my personal income.) So that has popped me right out of life as I knew it and catapulted me into the vast space of unknowing (and of possibility.)
I really have no idea what I am going to do with my life.
And that's ok.
There is something very freeing that happens when that which you fear actually happens. Then you just have to face it. I am realizing now, as I go through this process, that I have spent so much energy pushing back the possibility of exactly this - this which is happening right here, right now. But now that it is happening, I know that while it may really suck sometimes, we will be ok. Actually, I know that some day I will find that we are far better than ok, far better than I ever imagined. I feel the hugeness of possibility. It feels very loving even in the midst of it, as if life is guiding us in a most beautiful, kind way. It hurts and it is very confusing and there is so much, so much, so much felt and experienced. And it is making me grow and learn and trust in all kinds of ways.
So this is happening. And I do struggle with it. And if you happen to be around me in person, you might even see me cry. But I don't need to be rescued and I will do what I used to think I could not do. I whole-heartedly welcome support and kindness and love. Take a walk with me. Send my kids some fun mail and tell them that you love them. Seriously, love up on my kids. If you've been through divorce, tell me what helped you through the process, what helped you heal your heart. I am so grateful to all the loving support in my life. I feel amazingly, amazingly blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life. To all who are going through their own facings of the unknown, I send you extra love.
It is magic. It is transformation. It is amazing empowerment.
I find myself, in my own little way, in an experience that, to me, resembles birth. Well, not surprisingly, it is birth and death all mixed up at the same time. That's kind of the way it goes. And I know that I, too, do not need to be rescued.
It is interesting to see the ways that life shakes us up, tests our attachments, and forces us to move into something new and unknown. I see it happening with many people these days. We are being asked to trust and move forward into something very much unknown.
For me, that is showing up as a divorce, the ending of my 11 year marriage. And then I found out I was also losing one of my jobs (the main source of my personal income.) So that has popped me right out of life as I knew it and catapulted me into the vast space of unknowing (and of possibility.)
I really have no idea what I am going to do with my life.
And that's ok.
There is something very freeing that happens when that which you fear actually happens. Then you just have to face it. I am realizing now, as I go through this process, that I have spent so much energy pushing back the possibility of exactly this - this which is happening right here, right now. But now that it is happening, I know that while it may really suck sometimes, we will be ok. Actually, I know that some day I will find that we are far better than ok, far better than I ever imagined. I feel the hugeness of possibility. It feels very loving even in the midst of it, as if life is guiding us in a most beautiful, kind way. It hurts and it is very confusing and there is so much, so much, so much felt and experienced. And it is making me grow and learn and trust in all kinds of ways.
So this is happening. And I do struggle with it. And if you happen to be around me in person, you might even see me cry. But I don't need to be rescued and I will do what I used to think I could not do. I whole-heartedly welcome support and kindness and love. Take a walk with me. Send my kids some fun mail and tell them that you love them. Seriously, love up on my kids. If you've been through divorce, tell me what helped you through the process, what helped you heal your heart. I am so grateful to all the loving support in my life. I feel amazingly, amazingly blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life. To all who are going through their own facings of the unknown, I send you extra love.
4 comments:
You are so wise kewal. I have always looked up to you. You move with such honesty grace and beauty - even when things are hard and hurt.
I know you are going to be okay too. :)
Know that I am here for you like you were here for me. So if you find yourself stuck, or needing a moment for yourself, or to do some running around without your girls, or want to hang out or talk about what's going on, or anything, anything at all, all you have to do is let me know and I will be there.
Danie
When I was eight, and my brother was three, my parents divorced.
Every set of circumstances is different, and I really don't even see these things applying to you, because you are so different from my parents. But here it is, for all it's worth.
Be clear about the living and visitation agreement.
Write it down and be consistent. If it changes, re-write it and make sure everyone is on board. This is a prime area for parents to parents to play the children against the ex, while not taking on their part of the deal. e.g. My mother not allowing father to see us; him giving up, and her sending the message that he really didn't want to see us. On the other hand, my father saying he "wanted to see us", but wasn't in town, making it a moot point and sending the message that it was my mothers fault.
It's never fair to a child no matter how evenly divided, but it's better for them to know what the agreement is then always be pawn.
Don't assume that your children would rather that you didn't get divorced.
It was a relief when mine did. You could have cut the tension in their relationship with a knife. I loved them both, but not in the same room with each other. My bother, who was three, never understood, and has spent his life blaming our dad.
My mother in her frustration and anguish, declared all men scum. Not a good message to send to your daughters. I spent a lot of time early on in my life only dating men that fit the scum profile, fulfilling her declaration. I also spent a lot of time being perfectly awful scum to nice men.
Don't think that your new mate will be excepted as their new parent.
Expect your children to treat the new person with the same respect as they would a aunt, uncle or other family member. Most of the time, if they see that you are getting the love and respect that you deserve, they will be there with you. On the same note, I always find it disheartening when an child or adult writes off one of their parents for their surrogate.
Children are terrible and wonderful.
They will use the divorce to their advantage, or your disadvantage. Don't lie to them and don't let them hurt you. They will be there for you if you are upfront with them.
Teaching by example and treating yourself with respect is the best thing you can do.
Don't pass up opportunities for yourself, to keep the kids in their comfort zone. Kids are durable and will adapt, and shouldn't be a scapegoat for what you never did.
I'm sure there's more and I hope some if it is insightful. If you have any questions, just ask them, they know all the answers.
xoxoxo,
--Paris
Kewal, I just want to say I think you are so brave and strong to put yourself out there like this. I support you and send you love and light.
I want to add my praise to you- praise for your bravery and honesty. It is so helpful to talk about our challenges to help others who may not be able to share so openly.
I just think you are awesome, and I am staying tuned and keeping you in my prayers
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