Untidy

Sometimes you have to leave home for bit in order to appreciate it. I feel like that is kind of what has happened with me - some aspects of leaving home, but in the process it is making me really love and honor home in a deeper way. I don't know if anybody cares to read more about all this but it feels really profound to me so I have to write about it.

In all the time I struggled with the consideration of cutting my hair, I had many fears but there were two opposite fears that I want to mention here. I was afraid that after cutting my hair and losing that visible identification of being a Sikh, that I would no longer feel like a Sikh. This was deeply depressing for many reasons. Simultaneously, I was afraid that I would still feel like I was a Sikh even though I would not be recognized as one. This scared me because I like to sort and identify and have things fit in my sorted, identified categories. My concept of self often has relied heavily on fitting into something I can identify and say "I am that."

Naturally, after the big event, I found that what was in my heart was still in my heart. I feel as much a Sikh as I ever have. In fact, by letting go of (for the most part) the duality I had developed about the hair and turban, I have reawakened much of what was kind of sitting dormant in me recently. So much was wrapped up in my self judgment that there wasn't room for much else.

I feel like I recognize now, more than ever, the benefits of the practices. I may be choosing not to make use of some of the things, but I believe in the purpose and know that, for those who choose them, they are good things. I think I've taught Satvinder more about the benefits of hair since I cut my own than I taught her in all years previous of holding a hard line of "we don't do cut hair." And she seems more receptive to it now that instead of being attached to an outcome, I am just sharing a technology with her. I want my children to learn it all. If it helps support a peaceful, balanced human life, of course, I want them to know it.

In truth, I don't really know many people who maintain all of the practices. I guess we all hold to what we can, finding our way. And those neatly labeled boxes that I've tried to put people in...they just don't even exist. Taking myself out of my own box has been incredibly painful and has me squirming around awkwardly. But I think it is, ultimately, a good thing for me to just be. Not be "something". Just be.