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A Fall Post

There are updates to be given but I don't feel quite ready to give them.  So, for now, here are some pictures from today's visit to the pumpkin patch:

Focusing in, focusing out.

There are days - like today - when the internets are just toooo much.  There is so much crazy spinning around all over the place that I can hardly process it anymore.  So when the problems of the world seem to be looming so large and overwhelming, I focus in really small.  I see the the little, perfectly beautiful moments and hold them, feel them, give thanks for them.

Sukhjot: She sings.  My Favorite Things and Circle Game and a Sukhjot original called "Poo Poo Pee Pee" are nightly favorites.  (At some point during the bed time routine, she usually announces, "It's Poo Poo Pee Pee time!" and then happily starts her song.)  She puts little, plastic bracelets on her feet and calls them her shoes and delights in the click-clack sound they make against the tile floor.  She says things like, "You're my best friend, you know that?"  and "Mama, I like you eyes.  I like you boobs.  I like you eyebrows."

Satvinder: With plans to be a scientist, Satvinder enjoys dissection shows, which sounds a little grim but she learns so much from watching them.  She retains all kinds of details about how animals evolved and what the purpose and function is of various body parts.  And with that, she will forever debate things that aren't scientifically sound.  I've never seen an eight year old get so fired up about explaining evolution.  If you want to get her talking, just ask how whales evolved.  Then sit down because you are going to be there a while.

Those are my girls and they give me so many wonderful moments.  And, for their sake and for all of us,  I really, really, really hope that the future brings a whole lot more consciousness and whole lot less clueless absurdities from politicians who need to keep their crazy ideas and unfounded beliefs off our lady parts and our children, and our food, and our earth...

Among other things.

Air Conditioning & Aloe Vera

Deep heat of the summer, here we are, plugging along.  Satvinder starts back to school next week and Mangala and the girls just headed to Flagstaff for a visit with his parents.  I'm on call so I'm staying in Phoenix - this will be the longest stretch of alone time I've had since Sukhjot was born.

Life has been intense.  Beautiful and exciting and hard and busy and full of recent heartbreak. Life has felt pretty raw. We had a couple of births that shook me up - situations that had a lot more going on than just the already big experience of birth and there was lots to process. Our family is going through some big adjustments as life continues to change.  And then there were the murders at the Sikh Gurdwara in Wisconsin. It has made me think a lot about the choice to love and embrace, even in the hardest of experiences, and the need to be strong from the inside out - fulfilled and connected and grounded, no matter what is happening externally.  Those are the things that life is teaching me right now and I am working to foster them in myself.

This video was a really great example.  For me, it shows what life is about (and I'm so glad that there was a mainstream media opportunity for the spirit of Sikhism to be seen and for the message of unity to come through.)  Even in the midst of some really hard stuff, there is the choice to uplift all, to include everyone in the prayer, and to do good stuff, to love and carry on. How beautiful is that?

We took a quick trip last weekend to San Diego.  It was a mostly un-fun experience for a variety of reasons - sometimes things just don't click into place and that was definitely the case with this trip.  (That's what I get for planning and executing a trip during Mercury Retrograde.)  It occurred to me that both times I have gone to San Diego, someone got sick (this time it was me) and we ended up leaving a day early.  But we saw the ocean!  And that's always a good thing.

We all got very sunburned (despite the use of sunscreen!)  Coming home was such a delight after this trip - my own bed, the comfort and familiarity of home, air conditioning, and cool, healing aloe vera.  There is so much to be grateful for.

Sounds

I am kind of crazy for this band right now: This is the Kit. There's just something about a girl with a voice and a banjo.

Comfortably Uncomfortable

I have often wondered why we have to eat three meals a day, why we can't just be like snakes and stock up at one big meal and be done with it.  After all, it is inconvenient and inefficient to have to deal with food several times a day.  Wouldn't it be nice to just indulge in a huge, yummy meal and then not have to think about it for a while?

Well, I am, at this moment, coming to appreciate the various repetitive touchstones we have in life - the things that we come back to again and again, the things that are known and expected.  Meals.  Seasons.  The sun rises and sets.  The cycles of the moon.  The cycles of our bodies.  Maybe we need these predictable, ever-returning experiences to keep us from going insane in the otherwise constantly shifting life.  These things, in their own way, give us something to hold onto.

My life right now feels way more chaotic than it actually is.  I understand this logically.  But emotionally, I feel like I am constantly being pushed beyond my comfort zone in a multitude of ways.  This is a good thing, I believe, something I've asked for and wanted.  But it just is...rather uncomfortable.  Imagine that.

At the same time, I also am feeling deeply satisfied in a way that defies logic.  Life is pushing.  And life is pulsing. So much.  So fast.  Things are happening way faster than I expected.  And more and more, those little things that bring me home are really important and helpful.

I've gotten lazy about taking real pictures.  My phone is just so easy that I end up taking most of our pictures that way.  They aren't the greatest photos.  However, earlier this month, our friend, Leita, took some pictures on a really sweet and fun day that our families got together.  I'll share those since they are way prettier than the fuzzy phone pictures I've been taking. (Thanks, Leita.)

Family pool picture: We all enjoyed the refreshing water but Suky...she was overcome with joy about the experience.  Even looking at the pictures as I post them now, she lights up at the memory and says, "I was swimming!"  (She's not actually swimming yet.  But that didn't stop her from jumping in repeatedly.)

Leita's daughters, Maria & Greta, were so sweet with Suky.  Sometimes, being a little one, she is left out of play or just treated like a baby.  But these two scooped her right up into their play and they had a great time.  Here there were doing her hair:

Satvinder is into making faces for any picture that she notices is being taken.  She's been busy all summer with camp activities that she's really enjoyed.  I'm glad to say that her smiles have been frequent lately:

Yes. Yes!

In the last week or so, I finally stopped my floundering and said yes.  Whew!  I am now assisting an amazing midwife friend, Nirmal,  at A Midwife's Kaleidoscope.  It was so hard for me to make the decision take that step but as soon as I did, I started to feel so much joy and relief.  I actually didn't see that coming - it really has taken me by surprise.  I knew I loved birth and pregnancy and serving families - but I expected it to feel more taxing to take on something like this.  I struggle with overwhelm and exhaustion already and I was afraid it would be too much for me, for my family.  You know, I don't really feel drawn to making life harder. Granted this is only the beginning - but since saying yes and moving towards this, I have had more energy and enthusiasm, even for things not related to midwifery.  My heart has been happy and that makes life, in general, feel much better.  I have no idea where I am headed with this.  It feels like I've gotten on some kind of crazy ride and I'm just going to have to see where it goes.  Loops and bumps and all, I'm on it.  At least I am not standing frozen on the sidelines anymore.

Early this morning was the first birth, which was beautiful and precious and makes it all feel official to me.  This is a whole different role and focus than I experienced as a doula.  It is an impressively orchestrated flow of care, centered around the mother and baby's process.  That's one of the things I love about midwifery care - mother and baby don't have to just fit into what works for the care providers; the care providers work in, with, and around whatever mom and baby are naturally doing. In the dark.  In the water.  In whatever the situation is. There are so many details that I never noticed before.  Now that I have (just this once, so far) actually participated in this side of things, I am even more amazed at all that midwives do with only two arms. Sometimes it really requires multi tasking to the max.  I found myself wishing I could sprout at least two more arms and I was only assisting.  I am so lucky to have a patient, calm, kind teacher as I learn my way around.

So this step also means that, for now, I don't anticipate us moving anywhere anytime soon.  The forest and the ocean and green, lush places still call out.  Being with family is a longing that doesn't go away.  But this is what is happening.  Moment by moment.  Day by day.  That is all I know.  Even with all the unknowns, my heart is spilling over with a happiness that I almost can't explain. There is also some terror (not about birth - just about my own journey with this.)  But mostly it is a crazy, overflowing delight that has swept me up faster than I knew what hit me.