Bus Monitor Inspired Ponderings

This story about the bus monitor who was taunted and verbally assaulted by middle school kids has really been eating at me.  It is emotional for many reasons.  Obviously, if you watch the video, the way those kids attacked her is horrifying.  It stirs up all kinds of things: anger at the kids, sadness for the woman, memories of middle school and the often brutal things that happen among that age group.  It also has that silver lining of showing the good in people: donations have been collected for this woman - over $500,000 has come in from people who wanted to show her support and kindness.  That's pretty great.

But there's more.  I am also being struck by other ways people are responding to this story.  Lots of people are talking about it and a common response I keep seeing is the suggestion that these kids should be spanked.  That's just blowing my mind.  Really?  To teach kids how to be nice to people we should...hit them?  Really?

Well, I obviously don't agree with that suggestion.  I would actually assume that these children, who have so little respect and concern for another human being, have been berated and/or hit themselves.  I remember middle school.  This kind of crap happened all the time. And the people doing it aren't doing it because they didn't get beaten enough.

As a parent, this story brings up lots of questions about how we raise our children.  How can I foster compassion and kindness in my kids?  How can I help them feel secure enough in themselves to speak up against this kind of treatment if they do see it?  I feel like we are always working on issues of manners and respect in our household - and you know, it isn't easy.  There are no firm and solid paths for parenting.  We do the best we can.  But this story does imprint on me a reminder of why it matters.

I can remember, as a middle school student, the way that kids berated each other.  The school I attended had an abundance of spoiled, upper middle class kids who placed tremendous importance on clothing brands and other indications of money.  I felt those pressures big time and in those years, I obsessed on what I wore, trying to fit the image.  I remember one girl, who clearly didn't have the means to afford that kind of wardrobe, was a frequent target of mean words and insults.  Mostly people just talked about her - usually not saying it to her face - and I am pretty sure I did not speak up during those times.  I just waited timidly for it to be over and move on to another topic.  At that age, you want to fit in so badly and anything going against that feels like a big risk. But one time I was working on a project with somebody who started to lay in on the girl directly, calling her poor and dirty and smelly. Ugh.  It was disgusting.  Even thinking of it now, I hate that it happened. I remember that internal struggle within myself - being heart broken for the girl but also being terrified of saying something to the mean speaker.  But I couldn't be silent with that. I think I said something simple like "Stop.  Leave her alone."  No big impressive words or anything - but I remember how my heart pounded in my chest just saying that.

Another time, there was a boy who insulted me and my friend every day.  Our desks were together in a grouping of four and we had to sit right next to him every single day.  Now I can't remember what exactly he said to us.  I just remember the dread I felt every day, going to that class.  I even faked being sick a few days so I could stay home at one point.  I remember one day, after evaluating the situation and I think I talked to my dad about it, I had some things to respond with.  He started in on me and I said, "You must have really low self esteem.  Otherwise you wouldn't have to make other people feel bad just to make yourself feel better."  Those words were probably pretty accurate but it is not exactly a cool thing to say, as a middle school kid.  Telling people they have "low self esteem?"  Yeah, that's pretty nerdy.  The kid laughed his head off at me.  But you know what?  He also stopped bothering us so much.

So all this has me wondering how it is that we raise kids who, at that age, can handle the pressures and still make kind and compassionate decisions.  Because I was taught to be kind and respectful and, even knowing those things, it was intensely difficult to find my voice and use it appropriately. (I'm still trying to figure it out, actually.) Maybe that is the key piece though.  Not just teaching kids kindness - but teaching them how to address situations when others are not kind.  Lots to ponder.

But the one thing out of all of this I feel quite sure about...the answer isn't hitting people.