Birthday Images

We celebrated the birthdays of both Satvinder and Suky last weekend with a rainbow party. It was a sweet and busy day with wonderful people. 

I tried to limit identifying pictures of others since I'm not sure how everyone feels about having their picture on my blog.  Considering that it was a house full of other people's children, I want to be sensitive to that.  Every presence, shown or not, was so appreciated and enjoyed.

It's the Little Things

One thing: A tiny, Japanese fan-shaped card 

Today is Mangala's birthday.  Happy Birthday!  But what do you do for the birthday of someone who has been your family, your partner for eleven years and who now,according to some papers pending in a courthouse, is soon to be not-family?  How is it even possible to un-family someone?  In my mind, family is family so the concept is rather hard to comprehend.  I wasn't sure how to respond to a birthday.

I decided to give a card.  I made a couple vouchers that can be redeemed at a later time - I'll bake some cookies when you want,  When you know what you need for your new home, I will get you some kitchen supplies.  That's useful, right?  That's ok for family who isn't going to be family anymore, isn't it?

But the card.  Dang it.  The card nearly took me down.  Looking through my card stash, I came across the little, fan-shaped Japanese card that I've been carrying around for eleven years.  I bought it for Mangala soon after we got married.  We didn't know each other very well so I looked for things that fit the few things I knew about him.  He seemed to like Japanese stuff.  So I got this weird, little card to give him on his birthday and then, for some reason, I never gave it to him.  Instead, I have kept it in my card stash all these years, moving it from house to house, desk to desk.  So I found it today and figured I may as well go ahead and finally give it to him. The thing was I could remember the me that bought for him, remember the newness and possibility, remember that something was starting for us.  At that time, I never would have imagined that when I gave him the card, we would be getting divorced.

Oh, tiny fan-shaped card, who knew this was your destiny?  Who knew you would make me cry so much in 2012?

Another thing: A golden bookmark with the silhouette of a girl on a bike

It was given to me by Ms. Berry, my 7th and 8th grade Journalism teacher.  She gifted all of the "graduating" eighth graders with a bookmark, each one showing a different image that had something to do with them personally.  She gave me the girl on the bike because she said she thought I was "going somewhere with writing."  It meant so much to me that I kept it in a special keepsake box, another thing I moved around with me through the years.  Only in the last couple years did I take it out of the box and start using it.  But at some point, me and writing began to wrestle more.  And now me and life are wrestling.  And as the wrestling has become rougher and more messy, the golden bookmark and all that it means has fallen on the floor and gotten pretty mangled.  I would see it there on the floor, with a hundred other things that are there on the floor too.  I would see it and just leave it.  Thinking It used to mean something.  I used to be going somewhere.  Now what?  Now where?  No where.

But today I saw it and I picked it up.  I straightened it out a bit.  It is still bent and warped.  It will never be the same.  But it is still there.  And the girl is still riding.  And, I suppose, so am I.

Here is the Void and All is Well

One of the most striking experiences in watching births is seeing women face the rawest, most primal intensity, thinking speaking crying screaming that they can't possibly do the task that is unfolding through them. There can be an itchy, achy, yearning feeling as a witness to want to save her, to want to rescue her from that experience. But birth teaches me to be with it, to be with them, to lend what comfort I have to offer, and then to simply watch as they proceed to do the very thing that they thought they could not.

It is magic.  It is transformation.  It is amazing empowerment.

I find myself, in my own little way, in an experience that, to me, resembles birth.  Well, not surprisingly, it is birth and death all mixed up at the same time.  That's kind of the way it goes. And I know that I, too, do not need to be rescued.

It is interesting to see the ways that life shakes us up, tests our attachments, and forces us to move into something new and unknown.  I see it happening with many people these days.  We are being asked to trust and move forward into something very much unknown.

For me, that is showing up as a divorce, the ending of my 11 year marriage.  And then I found out I was also losing one of my jobs (the main source of my personal income.)  So that has popped me right out of life as I knew it and catapulted me into the vast space of unknowing (and of possibility.)

I really have no idea what I am going to do with my life.

And that's ok.

There is something very freeing that happens when that which you fear actually happens.  Then you just have to face it.  I am realizing now, as I go through this process, that I have spent so much energy pushing back the possibility of exactly this - this which is happening right here, right now.  But now that it is happening, I know that while it may really suck sometimes, we will be ok.  Actually, I know that some day I will find that we are far better than ok, far better than I ever imagined.  I feel the hugeness of possibility.  It feels very loving even in the midst of it, as if life is guiding us in a most beautiful, kind way.  It hurts and it is very confusing and there is so much, so much, so much felt and experienced.  And it is making me grow and learn and trust in all kinds of ways.

So this is happening.  And I do struggle with it.  And if you happen to be around me in person, you might even see me cry.  But I don't need to be rescued and I will do what I used to think I could not do.  I whole-heartedly welcome support and kindness and love.  Take a walk with me.  Send my kids some fun mail and tell them that you love them. Seriously, love up on my kids.  If you've been through divorce, tell me what helped you through the process, what helped you heal your heart. I am so grateful to all the loving support in my life.  I feel amazingly, amazingly blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life. To all who are going through their own facings of the unknown, I send you extra love.  

Take 5 Minutes and Watch it.

I want everybody to watch this.  So if you haven't seen it yet, check this out: What I have to Offer.

A Fall Post

There are updates to be given but I don't feel quite ready to give them.  So, for now, here are some pictures from today's visit to the pumpkin patch:

Focusing in, focusing out.

There are days - like today - when the internets are just toooo much.  There is so much crazy spinning around all over the place that I can hardly process it anymore.  So when the problems of the world seem to be looming so large and overwhelming, I focus in really small.  I see the the little, perfectly beautiful moments and hold them, feel them, give thanks for them.

Sukhjot: She sings.  My Favorite Things and Circle Game and a Sukhjot original called "Poo Poo Pee Pee" are nightly favorites.  (At some point during the bed time routine, she usually announces, "It's Poo Poo Pee Pee time!" and then happily starts her song.)  She puts little, plastic bracelets on her feet and calls them her shoes and delights in the click-clack sound they make against the tile floor.  She says things like, "You're my best friend, you know that?"  and "Mama, I like you eyes.  I like you boobs.  I like you eyebrows."

Satvinder: With plans to be a scientist, Satvinder enjoys dissection shows, which sounds a little grim but she learns so much from watching them.  She retains all kinds of details about how animals evolved and what the purpose and function is of various body parts.  And with that, she will forever debate things that aren't scientifically sound.  I've never seen an eight year old get so fired up about explaining evolution.  If you want to get her talking, just ask how whales evolved.  Then sit down because you are going to be there a while.

Those are my girls and they give me so many wonderful moments.  And, for their sake and for all of us,  I really, really, really hope that the future brings a whole lot more consciousness and whole lot less clueless absurdities from politicians who need to keep their crazy ideas and unfounded beliefs off our lady parts and our children, and our food, and our earth...

Among other things.

Air Conditioning & Aloe Vera

Deep heat of the summer, here we are, plugging along.  Satvinder starts back to school next week and Mangala and the girls just headed to Flagstaff for a visit with his parents.  I'm on call so I'm staying in Phoenix - this will be the longest stretch of alone time I've had since Sukhjot was born.

Life has been intense.  Beautiful and exciting and hard and busy and full of recent heartbreak. Life has felt pretty raw. We had a couple of births that shook me up - situations that had a lot more going on than just the already big experience of birth and there was lots to process. Our family is going through some big adjustments as life continues to change.  And then there were the murders at the Sikh Gurdwara in Wisconsin. It has made me think a lot about the choice to love and embrace, even in the hardest of experiences, and the need to be strong from the inside out - fulfilled and connected and grounded, no matter what is happening externally.  Those are the things that life is teaching me right now and I am working to foster them in myself.

This video was a really great example.  For me, it shows what life is about (and I'm so glad that there was a mainstream media opportunity for the spirit of Sikhism to be seen and for the message of unity to come through.)  Even in the midst of some really hard stuff, there is the choice to uplift all, to include everyone in the prayer, and to do good stuff, to love and carry on. How beautiful is that?

We took a quick trip last weekend to San Diego.  It was a mostly un-fun experience for a variety of reasons - sometimes things just don't click into place and that was definitely the case with this trip.  (That's what I get for planning and executing a trip during Mercury Retrograde.)  It occurred to me that both times I have gone to San Diego, someone got sick (this time it was me) and we ended up leaving a day early.  But we saw the ocean!  And that's always a good thing.

We all got very sunburned (despite the use of sunscreen!)  Coming home was such a delight after this trip - my own bed, the comfort and familiarity of home, air conditioning, and cool, healing aloe vera.  There is so much to be grateful for.